Author Topic: ~ Comedy Quotes ~ (Read 8388 times)

MysteRy · « **Reply #60 on:** June 23, 2016, 09:20:08 PM »

[highlight-text]A fly was very close to being called a 'land,' cause that's what they do half the time.

Mitch Hedberg

MysteRy · « **Reply #61 on:** June 23, 2016, 09:21:21 PM »

[highlight-text]I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

Henny Youngman

MysteRy · « **Reply #62 on:** June 23, 2016, 09:21:53 PM »

[highlight-text]I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather on his deathbed sold me this watch.

Woody Allen

MysteRy · « **Reply #63 on:** June 23, 2016, 09:22:26 PM »

[highlight-text]I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful natural wholesome things that money can buy.

Steve Martin

MysteRy · « **Reply #64 on:** June 23, 2016, 09:22:59 PM »

[highlight-text]My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

Henny Youngman

MysteRy · « **Reply #65 on:** June 23, 2016, 09:23:34 PM »

[highlight-text]Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in my bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.

Woody Allen

MysteRy · « **Reply #66 on:** June 23, 2016, 09:24:21 PM »

[highlight-text]Remember that show 'My Three Sons'? It'd be funny if it was called 'My One Dad'... wait, what?

Mitch Hedberg

MysteRy · « **Reply #67 on:** June 25, 2016, 02:37:41 PM »

[highlight-text]The problem is not that we have too many fools it's that the lightning isn't distributed right.

Mark Twain

MysteRy · « **Reply #68 on:** June 25, 2016, 02:42:08 PM »

[highlight-text]My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

Orson Welles

MysteRy · « **Reply #69 on:** June 25, 2016, 02:42:57 PM »

[highlight-text]I saw a sheet lying on the floor, it must have been a ghost that had passed out... SO I KICKED IT!

Mitch Hedberg

MysteRy · « **Reply #70 on:** June 25, 2016, 02:43:41 PM »

[highlight-text]I wish TV had a knob so you could turn up the intelligence. The one marked Brightness doesn't work.

Leo Gallagher

MysteRy · « **Reply #71 on:** June 25, 2016, 02:44:20 PM »

[highlight-text]I love my fed-ex guy cause he's a drug dealer and he doesn't even know it...and he's always on time.

Mitch Hedberg

MysteRy · « **Reply #72 on:** June 25, 2016, 02:45:07 PM »

[highlight-text]Baldness is visually enough of a stigma as it is without a big sweaty bloke on stage pointing it out.

Johnny Vegas

MysteRy · « **Reply #73 on:** June 25, 2016, 02:45:42 PM »

[highlight-text]I got a wallet, it's a Trifold... that shit is stacked! It's orange color, in case I wanna buy a deer.

Mitch Hedberg

MysteRy · « **Reply #74 on:** June 25, 2016, 02:46:25 PM »

[highlight-text]I went to a record store, they said they specialized in hard-to-find records. NOTHING WAS ALPHABETIZED!

Mitch Hedberg

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