~ Comedy Quotes ~

[MysteRy]

[highlight-text]It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light and certainly not desirable as one's hat keeps blowing off.

Woody Allen

[MysteRy]

[highlight-text]You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later.

Mitch Hedberg

[MysteRy]

[highlight-text]Nothing travels faster than the speed of light with the possible exception of bad news which obeys its own set of laws.

Douglas Adams

[MysteRy]

[highlight-text]I angered the clerk in a clothing shop today. She asked me what size I was and I said actual, because I am not to scale.

Mitch Hedberg

[MysteRy]

[highlight-text]What I just said is the fundamental end-all final not-subject-to-opinion absolute truth depending on where you're standing.

Steve Martin

[MysteRy]

[highlight-text]I am so amazingly cool you could keep a side of meat in me for a month. I am so hip I have difficulty seeing over my pelvis.

Douglas Adams

[MysteRy]

[highlight-text]If I bought a company that made hot dog buns, on Day 1 we would add 2 buns to every package... Day 2, work on deliciousness.

Mitch Hedberg

[MysteRy]

[highlight-text]The reason I love my dog so much is because when I come home he's the only one in the world who treats me like I'm The Beatles.

Bill Maher

[MysteRy]

[highlight-text]Hosting the Oscars is like making love to a beautiful woman - it's something I only get to do when Billy Crystal's out of town.

Steve Martin

[MysteRy]

[highlight-text]Do not compute the totality of your poultry population until all the manifestations of incubation have been entirely completed.

William Jennings Bryan

[MysteRy]

[highlight-text]My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-five now and we don't know where the hell she is.

Ellen DeGeneres

[MysteRy]

[highlight-text]Lull is one letter away from being four L's in a... aw Sorry. I thought I had a concept there, but then I realized, no, you do not.

Mitch Hedberg

[MysteRy]

[highlight-text]I had a piece of Carefree Sugarless gum and I was still worried. It never kicked in, I took it back to the store and said 'Bullshit!'

Mitch Hedberg

[MysteRy]

[highlight-text]If you find yourself lost in the woods, Sorry it, build a house. 'Well, I was lost but now I live here! I have severely improved my predicament!'

Mitch Hedberg

[MysteRy]

[highlight-text](to audience) I like the way this is situated here. It seems like you guys were chasing me, closing in, and then said 'Sorry it...lets sit down'.

Mitch Hedberg