Author Topic: ~ Comedy Quotes ~ (Read 8332 times)

MysteRy · « **Reply #45 on:** June 22, 2016, 10:52:06 AM »

[highlight-text]Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns -- he should be drawn and quoted.

Fred Allen

MysteRy · « **Reply #46 on:** June 22, 2016, 10:52:35 AM »

[highlight-text]I like rice. Rice is great when you're hungry and you want 2,000 of something.

Mitch Hedberg

MysteRy · « **Reply #47 on:** June 22, 2016, 10:53:11 AM »

[highlight-text]I feel sorry for short people you know. When it rains they're the last to know.

Rodney Dangerfield

MysteRy · « **Reply #48 on:** June 22, 2016, 10:53:44 AM »

[highlight-text]I wanted to buy a candle holder but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

Mitch Hedberg

MysteRy · « **Reply #49 on:** June 22, 2016, 10:54:18 AM »

[highlight-text]When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.

Mitch Hedberg

MysteRy · « **Reply #50 on:** June 22, 2016, 10:55:03 AM »

[highlight-text]What am I drinking? NyQuil on the rocks, for when you're feeling sick but sociable.

Mitch Hedberg

MysteRy · « **Reply #51 on:** June 22, 2016, 10:55:40 AM »

[highlight-text]Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

Mel Brooks

MysteRy · « **Reply #52 on:** June 22, 2016, 10:56:27 AM »

[highlight-text]First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.

Steve Martin

MysteRy · « **Reply #53 on:** June 22, 2016, 10:57:01 AM »

[highlight-text]Of course the meek will inherit the earth what did you think they'd take it by force?

Author Unknown

MysteRy · « **Reply #54 on:** June 22, 2016, 10:57:39 AM »

[highlight-text]I would imagine that the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is... Sorrying... clean.

Mitch Hedberg

MysteRy · « **Reply #55 on:** June 22, 2016, 10:58:25 AM »

[highlight-text]If you have dentures, don't use artificial sweetener, cause you'll get a fake cavity.

Mitch Hedberg

MysteRy · « **Reply #56 on:** June 22, 2016, 10:58:48 AM »

[highlight-text]If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I'd be making money in a very weird way.

Mitch Hedberg

MysteRy · « **Reply #57 on:** June 23, 2016, 09:16:48 PM »

[highlight-text]Outside of a dog a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it is too dark to read.

Groucho Marx

MysteRy · « **Reply #58 on:** June 23, 2016, 09:18:59 PM »

[highlight-text]Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.

Charles M. Schulz

MysteRy · « **Reply #59 on:** June 23, 2016, 09:19:33 PM »

[highlight-text]I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

Douglas Adams

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