~ Comedy Quotes ~

[MysteRy]

[highlight-text]I can't tell you what hotel I'm stayin' in, but there are two trees involved. They said, 'Let's call this hotel something Tree'. So they had a meeting; it was...it was quite short. 'How 'bout Tree?' 'No.' 'Double Tree?' 'Hell yeah! Meeting adjourned!' Well, I had my heart set on Quadruple Tree...and we were almost there!

Mitch Hedberg

[MysteRy]

[highlight-text]If I worked at a store and a duck came in I would like just give him some bread-- 'sure man no problem-- tell your friends'--- but I would not give him Pepperidge Farm bread....You know that stuff right? you open it and it still ain't open. That is why I do not buy it. Cause I do not need another step, between ME and toast.'

Mitch Hedberg

[MysteRy]

[highlight-text]I like the American-Canadian border, 'cause if you're walking on the border with a friend, and you push your friend into Canada, he can't push you back right away, 'cause first he has to go through customs. 'What brings you to Canada?':[Points to the side] 'That asshole.' 'When are you leaving?' 'As soon as I regain my equilibrium!'

Mitch Hedberg

[MysteRy]

[highlight-text]Vending machines are a big part of my life. I like when you reach into the vending machine to grab your candy bar and that flap goes up to block you from reaching up. That's a good invention. Before then it was hard times for the vending machine owners, 'What candy bar are you getting?', 'That one... and every one on the bottom row!'

Mitch Hedberg

[MysteRy]

[highlight-text]I've occasionally heard that I was kicked out of Harvard for being a Communist for dealing drugs for corrupting minors or for diverse other infractions of local decorum. Unfortunately none of these rumors are true. The one I've heard more often is that I am dead. That one I encouraged hoping it would cut down on the junk mail. It didn't.

Tom Lehrer

[MysteRy]

[highlight-text]I ordered a chicken sandwich but I think the waitress misunderstood me because she said, 'How would you like your eggs?' So I tried to answer her anyhow. I said 'Incubated, and then raised, and then beheaded, and then plucked and then cut up then put onto a grill then put onto a bun. Shit, it's gonna take awhile. I don't have time, scrambled!'

Mitch Hedberg

[MysteRy]

[highlight-text]I was at the airport a while back and some guy said, 'Hey man, I saw you on TV last night.' But he did not say whether or not he thought I was good, he was just confirming that he saw me on television. So I turned my head away for about a minute, and looked back at him and said, 'Dude! I saw you at the airport...about a minute ago... and you were good.'

Mitch Hedberg

[MysteRy]

[highlight-text]I was walking by a dry cleaner at 3 a.m., and it said 'Sorry, we're closed.' You don't have to be sorry. It's 3 a.m., and you're a dry cleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. I'm not gonna walk by at ten a.m. and say, 'Hey, I walked by at three, you guys were closed. Someone owes me an apology. This jacket would be halfway done!'

Mitch Hedberg

[MysteRy]

[highlight-text](Talking about his drink) Look at all the limes in this goddamn thing! This Sorryin' thing is tropical! Look at the limes, how they float. That's good news. Next time I'm on a boat and it capsizes, I will reach for a lime. Like I'll be water-skiing without a life preserver, people will say 'What the Sorry?' and I will pull out a lime. I'm saved by the buoyancy of citrus.

Mitch Hedberg