Author Topic: ~ Comedy Quotes ~ (Read 8707 times)

MysteRy · « **Reply #75 on:** June 25, 2016, 02:46:58 PM »

[highlight-text]Please if you ever see me getting beaten up by the police please put your video camera down and help me.

Bobcat Goldthwait

MysteRy · « **Reply #76 on:** June 25, 2016, 02:47:31 PM »

[highlight-text]I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of another boy.

Woody Allen

MysteRy · « **Reply #77 on:** June 25, 2016, 02:48:00 PM »

[highlight-text]I never took hallucinogenic drugs because I never wanted my consciousness expanded one unnecessary iota.

Fran Lebowitz

MysteRy · « **Reply #78 on:** June 25, 2016, 02:48:52 PM »

[highlight-text]To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times.

Mark Twain

MysteRy · « **Reply #79 on:** June 25, 2016, 02:50:01 PM »

[highlight-text]I'm at an age where I think more about food than sex. Last week I put a mirror over my dining room table.

Rodney Dangerfield

MysteRy · « **Reply #80 on:** June 25, 2016, 02:54:16 PM »

[highlight-text]People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. Unless, of course, they enjoy many broken windows.

Mitch Hedberg

MysteRy · « **Reply #81 on:** June 26, 2016, 10:47:05 PM »

[highlight-text]I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

Rodney Dangerfield

MysteRy · « **Reply #82 on:** June 26, 2016, 10:47:44 PM »

[highlight-text]I've done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or or not.

Fran Lebowitz

MysteRy · « **Reply #83 on:** June 26, 2016, 10:50:07 PM »

[highlight-text]My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so ... yeah'.

Mitch Hedberg

MysteRy · « **Reply #84 on:** June 26, 2016, 10:51:12 PM »

[highlight-text]I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it.

Mitch Hedberg

MysteRy · « **Reply #85 on:** June 26, 2016, 10:52:35 PM »

[highlight-text]I'm sick of Soup of the Day, it's time we made a decision. I wanna know what the Sorry 'Soup From Now On' is.

Mitch Hedberg

MysteRy · « **Reply #86 on:** June 26, 2016, 10:53:15 PM »

[highlight-text]The number one cause of alcoholic relapse in winged insects is being trapped in a pint glass with an ashtray.

Mitch Hedberg

MysteRy · « **Reply #87 on:** June 26, 2016, 10:54:02 PM »

[highlight-text]Whenever I go to shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving, so I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

Mitch Hedberg

MysteRy · « **Reply #88 on:** June 26, 2016, 10:57:25 PM »

[highlight-text]If I was on death row and given one last meal I would ask for a fortune cookie. 'Come on 'long prosperous life!''

Mitch Hedberg

MysteRy · « **Reply #89 on:** June 26, 2016, 10:58:01 PM »

[highlight-text]Stand-up comedy is transient. History shows that you can stand up for so long; after that you're asked to sit down.

Steve Martin

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