~ Comedy Quotes ~

[MysteRy]

[highlight-text]I don't have any children but if I had a baby I would have to name it so I'd buy a 'baby naming book'. Or I would invite somebody over who had a cast on.

Mitch Hedberg

[MysteRy]

[highlight-text]Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would sorry, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.'

Mitch Hedberg

[MysteRy]

[highlight-text]People want to know why I do this why I write such gross stuff. I like to tell them that I have the heart of a small boy...and I keep it in a jar on my desk.

Stephen King

[MysteRy]

[highlight-text]If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck we have at least to consider the possibility that we have a small aquatic bird of the family anatidae on our hands.

Douglas Adams

[MysteRy]

[highlight-text]By the way, you don't have to be sweaty and holding a basketball to enjoy a Gatorade. You could just be...a thirsty dude! Gatorade forgets about this demographic!

Mitch Hedberg

[MysteRy]

[highlight-text]My roommate said to me, 'I'm gonna go shave and use the shower; does anyone need to use the bathroom?' It's like some weird ass quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Mitch Hedberg

[MysteRy]

[highlight-text]Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier'n helpin' 'em move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.

Mitch Hedberg

[MysteRy]

[highlight-text]I find a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread. Ducks love bread, but they can't buy any. That's the biggest joke on the duck ever.

Mitch Hedberg

[MysteRy]

[highlight-text]I can think of nothing more boring for the American people than to have to sit in their living rooms for a whole half hour looking at my face on their television screens.

Dwight D. Eisenhower

[MysteRy]

[highlight-text]I was walking down the street the other day when this guy asked if I wanted a frozen banana...I said 'no' but then thought I might want a regular banana later, so...yeah.

Mitch Hedberg

[MysteRy]

[highlight-text]I like vending machines 'cause snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at a store, oftentimes, I will drop it... so that it achieves its maximum flavor potential.

Mitch Hedberg

[MysteRy]

[highlight-text]When I was younger, my mother told me, 'Mitch, some day you're going to have to move out of the house and get a job.' Well, today is the day, that's why I'm here with you people.

Mitch Hedberg

[MysteRy]

[highlight-text]I wrote a script and gave it to a guy that reads scripts. And he read it and said he really likes it, but he thinks I need to rewrite it. I said, 'Sorry that, I'll just make a copy.'

Mitch Hedberg

[MysteRy]

[highlight-text]Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry what was that last one? Don't eat pork? Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?

Jon Stewart

[MysteRy]

[highlight-text]I walked into Target, but I missed. I think the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around. And, when I finally get in, the guy says, 'Can I help you?' 'Just practicing.'

Mitch Hedberg