~ Comedy Quotes ~

[MysteRy]

[highlight-text]My friend said to me, 'I think the weather's trippy.' I said, 'No, man, it's not the weather that's trippy, perhaps it is the way that we perceive it that is indeed trippy.' Then I thought, 'Man, I should have just said, 'Yeah.''

Mitch Hedberg

[MysteRy]

[highlight-text]I saw this dude, he was wearing a leather jacket, and at the same time he was eating a hamburger and drinking a glass of milk. I said to him 'Dude, you're a cow. The metamorphosis is complete. Don't fall asleep or I'll tip you over.'

Mitch Hedberg

[MysteRy]

[highlight-text]I can read minds but, it's pointless cause I'm illiterate. I'd know what you were thinking, if I could read. (laugh) I tried to add on to that joke. I got busted. Thought I could squeeze a couple more laughs out of it but, it was not to be.

Mitch Hedberg

[MysteRy]

[highlight-text]An escalator can never break--it can only become stairs. You would never see an 'Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order' sign, just 'Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience. We apologize for the fact that you can still get up there.'

Mitch Hedberg

[MysteRy]

[highlight-text]You know when it comes to racism, people say: 'I don't care if they're black, white, purple or green'... Ooh hold on now: Purple or Green? You gotta draw the line somewhere! To hell with purple people! - Unless they're suffocating - then help'em.

Mitch Hedberg

[MysteRy]

[highlight-text]My manager saw me drinking backstage and he said 'Mitch, don't use liquor as a crutch.' I can't use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk. Liquor severely Sorrys up the way I walk. It ain't like a crutch, it's like a step I didn't see.

Mitch Hedberg

[MysteRy]

[highlight-text]Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It's very dangerous to wave to someone you don't know because, what if they don't have a hand? They'll think you're cocky. 'Look what I got motherSorryer! This thing is useful. I'm gonna go pick something up!'

Mitch Hedberg

[MysteRy]

[highlight-text]They say Flintstone's vitamins are chewable. All vitamins are chewable, it's just that they taste shitty. I'm glad they made Flintstone's vitamins because I used to watch The Flintstones and go, 'Man I bet you if I ate that dude, I would be healthy.'

Mitch Hedberg

[MysteRy]

[highlight-text]I got a king sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable. 'Oh, you're a king, you say? Well you won't believe what I have in store for you! It's to your exact specifications! I believe I can set up your old lady, too!

Mitch Hedberg

[MysteRy]

[highlight-text]My son first wanted to go to Stanford which I thought was O.K. The weather is pretty good and it's a fairly short drive to the beach. But it wouldn't be as good as let's say Pepperdine which is in Malibu. And he said 'Dad what about the education?' I said 'Clearly I failed as a parent.'

Larry Ellison

[MysteRy]

[highlight-text](referring to his drink) I got two straws here, in case one breaks down. You know Crazy Straws, they go all over the place? These Sorryin' straws are sane. They never lost their minds. They said, 'We're going straight to the mouth. That Sorryer who takes a while to get there? He's crazy.'

Mitch Hedberg

[MysteRy]

[highlight-text]A guy told me he liked cherries...but... I waited to see if he was gonna say tomato...before I realized he likes cherries just...all right, that joke is ridiculous. That's like a carbon copy of the previous joke but with different ingredients. I don't know what I was trying to pull off there.

Mitch Hedberg

[MysteRy]

[highlight-text]My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. 'Come on four billion!... Sorry! Seven. Not even close. I need some more dice. Four billion divided by six... at least. Snake eyes!' I just said 'snake eyes.' That's a gambling term. Its also an animal term too.

Mitch Hedberg

[MysteRy]

[highlight-text]I never joined the army because 'at ease' never seemed that easy to me. It seemed rather uptight, still. I do not relax by putting my arms behind my back and parting my legs slightly, that does not equal ease to me. At ease is not being in the military. I'm eased bro, cause I'm not in the military.

Mitch Hedberg

[MysteRy]

[highlight-text]You know when a company wants to use letters in their phone number to be catchy? But often times they use too many letters. 'Give us a call down here at 1-800-I-Really-Enjoy-Carpeting.' It's too many letters, man. 'Hello?' 'Hold on, I'm only on 'Enjoy'! How did you know I was calling? I can see why they hired you!'

Mitch Hedberg