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Author Topic: ~ Mitch Hedberg Quotes ~  (Read 5348 times)

Offline MysteRy

Re: ~ Mitch Hedberg Quotes ~
« Reply #45 on: May 15, 2015, 10:40:04 PM »
I angered the clerk in a clothing shop today. She asked me what size I was and I said actual, because I am not to scale.
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Offline MysteRy

Re: ~ Mitch Hedberg Quotes ~
« Reply #46 on: May 15, 2015, 10:40:35 PM »
If I bought a company that made hot dog buns, on Day 1 we would add 2 buns to every package... Day 2, work on deliciousness.
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Offline MysteRy

Re: ~ Mitch Hedberg Quotes ~
« Reply #47 on: May 15, 2015, 10:41:03 PM »
Lull is one letter away from being four L's in a... aw Sorry. I thought I had a concept there, but then I realized, no, you do not.
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Offline MysteRy

Re: ~ Mitch Hedberg Quotes ~
« Reply #48 on: May 15, 2015, 10:41:30 PM »
I had a piece of Carefree Sugarless gum and I was still worried. It never kicked in, I took it back to the store and said 'Bullshit!'
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Offline MysteRy

Re: ~ Mitch Hedberg Quotes ~
« Reply #49 on: May 15, 2015, 10:42:03 PM »
If you find yourself lost in the woods, Sorry it, build a house. 'Well, I was lost but now I live here! I have severely improved my predicament!'
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Offline MysteRy

Re: ~ Mitch Hedberg Quotes ~
« Reply #50 on: May 15, 2015, 10:42:35 PM »
(to audience) I like the way this is situated here. It seems like you guys were chasing me, closing in, and then said 'Sorry it...lets sit down'.
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Offline MysteRy

Re: ~ Mitch Hedberg Quotes ~
« Reply #51 on: May 15, 2015, 10:43:19 PM »
I don't have any children but if I had a baby I would have to name it so I'd buy a 'baby naming book'. Or I would invite somebody over who had a cast on.
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Offline MysteRy

Re: ~ Mitch Hedberg Quotes ~
« Reply #52 on: May 15, 2015, 10:44:05 PM »
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would sorry, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.'
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Offline MysteRy

Re: ~ Mitch Hedberg Quotes ~
« Reply #53 on: May 15, 2015, 10:44:44 PM »
By the way, you don't have to be sweaty and holding a basketball to enjoy a Gatorade. You could just be...a thirsty dude! Gatorade forgets about this demographic!
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Offline MysteRy

Re: ~ Mitch Hedberg Quotes ~
« Reply #54 on: May 15, 2015, 10:45:20 PM »
My roommate said to me, 'I'm gonna go shave and use the shower; does anyone need to use the bathroom?' It's like some weird ass quiz where he reveals the answer first.
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Offline MysteRy

Re: ~ Mitch Hedberg Quotes ~
« Reply #55 on: May 15, 2015, 10:45:51 PM »
Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier'n helpin' 'em move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.
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Offline MysteRy

Re: ~ Mitch Hedberg Quotes ~
« Reply #56 on: May 15, 2015, 10:46:20 PM »
I find a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread. Ducks love bread, but they can't buy any. That's the biggest joke on the duck ever.
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Offline MysteRy

Re: ~ Mitch Hedberg Quotes ~
« Reply #57 on: May 15, 2015, 10:46:53 PM »
I was walking down the street the other day when this guy asked if I wanted a frozen banana...I said 'no' but then thought I might want a regular banana later, so...yeah.
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Offline MysteRy

Re: ~ Mitch Hedberg Quotes ~
« Reply #58 on: May 15, 2015, 10:47:19 PM »
I like vending machines 'cause snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at a store, oftentimes, I will drop it... so that it achieves its maximum flavor potential.
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Offline MysteRy

Re: ~ Mitch Hedberg Quotes ~
« Reply #59 on: May 15, 2015, 10:47:47 PM »
When I was younger, my mother told me, 'Mitch, some day you're going to have to move out of the house and get a job.' Well, today is the day, that's why I'm here with you people.
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