Author Topic: ~ Mitch Hedberg Quotes ~ (Read 5334 times)

MysteRy · « **Reply #15 on:** May 14, 2015, 10:28:04 PM »

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?

MysteRy · « **Reply #16 on:** May 14, 2015, 10:28:34 PM »

I've always wanted a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist... allright.

MysteRy · « **Reply #17 on:** May 14, 2015, 10:29:20 PM »

I like it when people laugh for no reason... like that lady over there.

MysteRy · « **Reply #18 on:** May 14, 2015, 10:29:51 PM »

I like wearing necklaces, because it lets me know when I'm upside down.

MysteRy · « **Reply #19 on:** May 14, 2015, 10:31:15 PM »

(From the enclosed booklet) Jamaican Air -- Every flight is the red-eye!

MysteRy · « **Reply #20 on:** May 14, 2015, 10:31:46 PM »

Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.

MysteRy · « **Reply #21 on:** May 14, 2015, 10:32:59 PM »

I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, 'Dude, you have to wait.'

MysteRy · « **Reply #22 on:** May 14, 2015, 10:33:26 PM »

I like rice. Rice is great when you're hungry and you want 2,000 of something.

MysteRy · « **Reply #23 on:** May 14, 2015, 10:34:01 PM »

I wanted to buy a candle holder but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

MysteRy · « **Reply #24 on:** May 14, 2015, 10:35:14 PM »

I had a parrot. The parrot talked, but it did not say 'I'm hungry,' so it died.

MysteRy · « **Reply #25 on:** May 14, 2015, 10:35:46 PM »

When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.

MysteRy · « **Reply #26 on:** May 14, 2015, 10:36:19 PM »

I don't have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks shit.

MysteRy · « **Reply #27 on:** May 14, 2015, 10:36:52 PM »

What am I drinking? NyQuil on the rocks, for when you're feeling sick but sociable.

MysteRy · « **Reply #28 on:** May 14, 2015, 10:37:21 PM »

I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

MysteRy · « **Reply #29 on:** May 14, 2015, 10:38:27 PM »

If you have dentures, don't use artificial sweetener, cause you'll get a fake cavity.

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