~ Mitch Hedberg Quotes ~

[MysteRy]

I wrote a script and gave it to a guy that reads scripts. And he read it and said he really likes it, but he thinks I need to rewrite it. I said, 'Sorry that, I'll just make a copy.'

[MysteRy]

I walked into Target, but I missed. I think the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around. And, when I finally get in, the guy says, 'Can I help you?' 'Just practicing.'

[MysteRy]

If you're watchin' a parade, make sure you stand in one spot, don't follow it, it never changes. And if the parade is boring, run in the opposite direction, you will fast-foward the parade.

[MysteRy]

This is what my friend said to me; he said, 'Guess what I like? Mashed potatoes.' It's like,'Dude. you gotta give me time to guess. If you're gonna quiz me, you must insert a pause in there.'

[MysteRy]

Tony the tiger thinks shit is great. Thats all I got. I ordered two little boxes of frosted flakes for room service, it cost $37.50! On the box Tony the tiger was going 'they're ffSorrying expensive!'

[MysteRy]

The Kit-Kat candy bar has the name 'Kit-Kat' imprinted into the chocolate...that robs you of chocolate! That is a clever chocolate saving technique. I go down to the factory, 'You owe me some letters!'

[MysteRy]

Steam rollers run shit over to make sure it's good. Like if they want to test a product, they'll run over it with a steam roller. How do you know the steam roller's good? Who ran over the steam roller?

[MysteRy]

Sometimes in the middle of the night, I think of something that's funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen's too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny.

[MysteRy]

You know that word 'lull'? That's four letters, three of them are L's, Sorry! That's too many L's in one word! The word lull is one letter away from... [gets handed a drink] oh shit. That'll Sorry up a joke!

[MysteRy]

I was walking down the street with my friend and he said, 'I hear music', as if there is any other way you can take it in. You're not special, that's how I receive it too. I tried to taste it but it did not work.

[MysteRy]

I want to hang a map of the world in my house, and then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.

[MysteRy]

I have a new CD; it's in stores, and when you have a CD in stores, you have to do in-store appearances, and if nobody shows up, I just pretend like I'm shopping. That's how I shop; I sit behind a table with a pen.

[MysteRy]

That'd be funny if you were a drummer, and you grabbed two magical wands instead of drumsticks. Be pounding out the beat '1-2-3-4 Oh shit, my bass player's now a can of soup... Sorry Rick, I mean Cream of Mushroom!'

[MysteRy]

I think Pringles original intention was to make tennis balls... but on the day the rubber was supposed to show up a truckload of potatoes came. Pringles is a laid-back company, so they just said, 'Sorry it, cut em up!'

[MysteRy]

See, this CD is in stores. The only way I could get my old CD into a store is if I were to take one in and leave it. Then the guys says, 'Sir, you forgot this!' 'No, I did not. That is for sale. Please alphabetize it.'