Author Topic: ~ Mitch Hedberg Quotes ~ (Read 5336 times)

MysteRy · « **Reply #30 on:** May 14, 2015, 10:38:55 PM »

If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I'd be making money in a very weird way.

MysteRy · « **Reply #31 on:** May 14, 2015, 10:39:24 PM »

A fly was very close to being called a 'land,' cause that's what they do half the time.

MysteRy · « **Reply #32 on:** May 14, 2015, 10:40:08 PM »

Remember that show 'My Three Sons'? It'd be funny if it was called 'My One Dad'... wait, what?

MysteRy · « **Reply #33 on:** May 14, 2015, 10:40:55 PM »

I love my fed-ex guy cause he's a drug dealer and he doesn't even know it...and he's always on time.

MysteRy · « **Reply #34 on:** May 15, 2015, 10:31:19 PM »

I got a wallet, it's a Trifold... that shit is stacked! It's orange color, in case I wanna buy a deer.

MysteRy · « **Reply #35 on:** May 15, 2015, 10:31:53 PM »

I went to a record store, they said they specialized in hard-to-find records. NOTHING WAS ALPHABETIZED!

MysteRy · « **Reply #36 on:** May 15, 2015, 10:32:25 PM »

People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. Unless, of course, they enjoy many broken windows.

MysteRy · « **Reply #37 on:** May 15, 2015, 10:32:57 PM »

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

MysteRy · « **Reply #38 on:** May 15, 2015, 10:33:27 PM »

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so ... yeah'.

MysteRy · « **Reply #39 on:** May 15, 2015, 10:34:38 PM »

I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it.

MysteRy · « **Reply #40 on:** May 15, 2015, 10:35:14 PM »

I'm sick of Soup of the Day, it's time we made a decision. I wanna know what the Sorry 'Soup From Now On' is.

MysteRy · « **Reply #41 on:** May 15, 2015, 10:35:42 PM »

The number one cause of alcoholic relapse in winged insects is being trapped in a pint glass with an ashtray.

MysteRy · « **Reply #42 on:** May 15, 2015, 10:36:11 PM »

Whenever I go to shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving, so I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

MysteRy · « **Reply #43 on:** May 15, 2015, 10:36:43 PM »

If I was on death row and given one last meal I would ask for a fortune cookie. 'Come on 'long prosperous life!''

MysteRy · « **Reply #44 on:** May 15, 2015, 10:39:35 PM »

You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later.

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