Author Topic: ~ Mitch Hedberg Quotes ~  (Read 5306 times)

Offline MysteRy

Re: ~ Mitch Hedberg Quotes ~
« Reply #75 on: May 15, 2015, 10:59:26 PM »
If you drink O'Douls, you don't drink. But if you drink 20 O'Douls in a half hour, then you're a Sorrying non-alcoholic. Non-alcoholism is a problem too. And there are symptoms, like when you fall down, does it always hurt?

Offline MysteRy

Re: ~ Mitch Hedberg Quotes ~
« Reply #76 on: May 15, 2015, 10:59:54 PM »
I saw a commercial on late night TV, it said,'Forget everything you know about slipcovers.' So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, and I didn't know what the hell they were.

Offline MysteRy

Re: ~ Mitch Hedberg Quotes ~
« Reply #77 on: May 15, 2015, 11:00:52 PM »
I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. There's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run, he's fuzzy, get out of here.

Offline MysteRy

Re: ~ Mitch Hedberg Quotes ~
« Reply #78 on: May 15, 2015, 11:01:20 PM »
My friend said to me, 'I think the weather's trippy.' I said, 'No, man, it's not the weather that's trippy, perhaps it is the way that we perceive it that is indeed trippy.' Then I thought, 'Man, I should have just said, 'Yeah.''

Offline MysteRy

Re: ~ Mitch Hedberg Quotes ~
« Reply #79 on: May 15, 2015, 11:02:36 PM »
I saw this dude, he was wearing a leather jacket, and at the same time he was eating a hamburger and drinking a glass of milk. I said to him 'Dude, you're a cow. The metamorphosis is complete. Don't fall asleep or I'll tip you over.'

Offline MysteRy

Re: ~ Mitch Hedberg Quotes ~
« Reply #80 on: May 15, 2015, 11:03:16 PM »
If I was a locksmith I'd be Sorryin' pimpin' that shit out. 'Say, what's goin' on, man? Tell you what. I'll trade you a free key duplication(laughs).' That joke made me laugh before I could finish it. Which is good 'cause there's no ending.

Offline MysteRy

Re: ~ Mitch Hedberg Quotes ~
« Reply #81 on: May 15, 2015, 11:03:46 PM »
I can read minds but, it's pointless cause I'm illiterate. I'd know what you were thinking, if I could read. (laugh) I tried to add on to that joke. I got busted. Thought I could squeeze a couple more laughs out of it but, it was not to be.

Offline MysteRy

Re: ~ Mitch Hedberg Quotes ~
« Reply #82 on: May 15, 2015, 11:08:04 PM »
An escalator can never break--it can only become stairs. You would never see an 'Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order' sign, just 'Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience. We apologize for the fact that you can still get up there.'

Offline MysteRy

Re: ~ Mitch Hedberg Quotes ~
« Reply #83 on: May 15, 2015, 11:08:35 PM »
You know when it comes to racism, people say: 'I don't care if they're black, white, purple or green'... Ooh hold on now: Purple or Green? You gotta draw the line somewhere! To hell with purple people! - Unless they're suffocating - then help'em.

Offline MysteRy

Re: ~ Mitch Hedberg Quotes ~
« Reply #84 on: May 15, 2015, 11:09:18 PM »
They say Flintstone's vitamins are chewable. All vitamins are chewable, it's just that they taste shitty. I'm glad they made Flintstone's vitamins because I used to watch The Flintstones and go, 'Man I bet you if I ate that dude, I would be healthy.'

Offline MysteRy

Re: ~ Mitch Hedberg Quotes ~
« Reply #85 on: May 15, 2015, 11:09:55 PM »
I got a king sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable. 'Oh, you're a king, you say? Well you won't believe what I have in store for you! It's to your exact specifications! I believe I can set up your old lady, too!

Offline MysteRy

Re: ~ Mitch Hedberg Quotes ~
« Reply #86 on: May 15, 2015, 11:10:36 PM »
One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, he said,'Here's a picture of me when I was younger.' Every picture is of you when you were younger. 'Here's a picture of me when I'm older.' 'You son-of-a-bitch! How'd you pull that off? Lemme see that camera... what's it look like? '

Offline MysteRy

Re: ~ Mitch Hedberg Quotes ~
« Reply #87 on: May 15, 2015, 11:11:21 PM »
I went to a pizzeria, I ordered a slice of pizza, the Sorryer gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart for what people would do if they found a million dollars, the Sorryer gave me the 'donate it to charity' slice. I would like to exchange this for the 'keep it!'

Offline MysteRy

Re: ~ Mitch Hedberg Quotes ~
« Reply #88 on: May 15, 2015, 11:12:02 PM »
A guy told me he liked cherries...but... I waited to see if he was gonna say tomato...before I realized he likes cherries just...all right, that joke is ridiculous. That's like a carbon copy of the previous joke but with different ingredients. I don't know what I was trying to pull off there.

Offline MysteRy

Re: ~ Mitch Hedberg Quotes ~
« Reply #89 on: May 15, 2015, 11:13:03 PM »
My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. 'Come on four billion!... Sorry! Seven. Not even close. I need some more dice. Four billion divided by six... at least. Snake eyes!' I just said 'snake eyes.' That's a gambling term. Its also an animal term too.