~ Mitch Hedberg Quotes ~

[MysteRy]

I never joined the army because 'at ease' never seemed that easy to me. It seemed rather uptight, still. I do not relax by putting my arms behind my back and parting my legs slightly, that does not equal ease to me. At ease is not being in the military. I'm eased bro, cause I'm not in the military.

[MysteRy]

You know when a company wants to use letters in their phone number to be catchy? But often times they use too many letters. 'Give us a call down here at 1-800-I-Really-Enjoy-Carpeting.' It's too many letters, man. 'Hello?' 'Hold on, I'm only on 'Enjoy'! How did you know I was calling? I can see why they hired you!'

[MysteRy]

Hey, this joke's on the first CD, but I added a new line so I can't Sorryin' rob you of this one: I got an ant farm; them fellas didn't grow shit. I said 'C'mon, what about some celery? You Sorryers don't farm. Plus, if I tore your legs off, you would look like snowmen.' That's...that's the part that's not on the old CD.

[MysteRy]

I can't tell you what hotel I'm stayin' in, but there are two trees involved. They said, 'Let's call this hotel something Tree'. So they had a meeting; it was...it was quite short. 'How 'bout Tree?' 'No.' 'Double Tree?' 'Hell yeah! Meeting adjourned!' Well, I had my heart set on Quadruple Tree...and we were almost there!

[MysteRy]

If I worked at a store and a duck came in I would like just give him some bread-- 'sure man no problem-- tell your friends'--- but I would not give him Pepperidge Farm bread....You know that stuff right? you open it and it still ain't open. That is why I do not buy it. Cause I do not need another step, between ME and toast.'

[MysteRy]

I just bought a 2-bedroom house, but I think I get to decide how many bedrooms there are, don't you? 'Sorry you, real estate lady! This bedroom has an oven in it! This bedroom's got a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom's over in that guy's house! Sir, you have one of my bedrooms, are you aware? Don't decorate it!'

[MysteRy]

I like the American-Canadian border, 'cause if you're walking on the border with a friend, and you push your friend into Canada, he can't push you back right away, 'cause first he has to go through customs. 'What brings you to Canada?':[Points to the side] 'That asshole.' 'When are you leaving?' 'As soon as I regain my equilibrium!'

[MysteRy]

Vending machines are a big part of my life. I like when you reach into the vending machine to grab your candy bar and that flap goes up to block you from reaching up. That's a good invention. Before then it was hard times for the vending machine owners, 'What candy bar are you getting?', 'That one... and every one on the bottom row!'

[MysteRy]

I ordered a chicken sandwich but I think the waitress misunderstood me because she said, 'How would you like your eggs?' So I tried to answer her anyhow. I said 'Incubated, and then raised, and then beheaded, and then plucked and then cut up then put onto a grill then put onto a bun. Shit, it's gonna take awhile. I don't have time, scrambled!'

[MysteRy]

I was gonna get a candy bar; the button I was supposed to push was 'HH', so I went to the side, I found the 'H' button, I pushed it twice. Sorryin'...potato chips came out, man, because they had an 'HH' button for Christ's sake! You need to let me know. I'm not familiar with the concept of 'HH'. I did not learn my AA-BB-CC's. God god, dammit dammit.

[MysteRy]

I was at the airport a while back and some guy said, 'Hey man, I saw you on TV last night.' But he did not say whether or not he thought I was good, he was just confirming that he saw me on television. So I turned my head away for about a minute, and looked back at him and said, 'Dude! I saw you at the airport...about a minute ago... and you were good.'

[MysteRy]

I was walking by a dry cleaner at 3 a.m., and it said 'Sorry, we're closed.' You don't have to be sorry. It's 3 a.m., and you're a dry cleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. I'm not gonna walk by at ten a.m. and say, 'Hey, I walked by at three, you guys were closed. Someone owes me an apology. This jacket would be halfway done!'