~ Dave Barry Quotes ~

[MysteRy]

I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories.

[MysteRy]

The ACLU is always yakking about the Constitution and most of us are getting mighty tired of it. I mean if the Constitution is so great how come it was amended so many times? Huh?

[MysteRy]

I realise that I'm making gender-based generalizations here but my feeling is that if God did not want us to make gender-based generalizations She would not have given us genders.

[MysteRy]

Admit it sport-utility-vehicle owners! It's shaped a little differently but it's a station wagon! And you do not drive it across rivers! You drive it across the Wal-Mart parking lot!

[MysteRy]

Without question the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

[MysteRy]

Karate is a form of marital arts in which people who have had years and years of training can using only their hands and feet make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.

[MysteRy]

Classical music gradually lost popularity because it is too complicated: you need twenty-five or thirty skilled musicians just to hum it properly. So people began to develop regular music.

[MysteRy]

The one thing that unites all human beings regardless of age gender religion economic status or ethnic background is that deep down inside we ALL believe that we are above- average drivers.

[MysteRy]

Magnetism is one of the Six Fundamental Forces of the Universe with the other five being Gravity Duct Tape Whining Remote Control and The Force That Pulls Dogs Toward The Groins Of Strangers.

[MysteRy]

It is a good idea to shop around before you settle on a doctor. Ask about the condition of his Mercedes. Ask about the competence of his mechanic. Don't be shy! After all you're paying for it.

[MysteRy]

In fact just about all the major natural attractions you find in the West -- the Grand Canyon the Badlands the Goodlands the Mediocrelands the Rocky Mountains and Robert Redford -- were caused by erosion.

[MysteRy]

Congress after years of stalling finally got around to clearing the way for informal discussions that might lead to possible formal talks that could potentially produce some kind of tentative agreements...

[MysteRy]

I recently had my annual physical examination which I get once every seven years and when the nurse weighed me I was shocked to discover how much stronger the Earth's gravitational pull has become since 1990.

[MysteRy]

If you surveyed a hundred typical middle-aged Americans I bet you'd find that only two of them could tell you their blood types but every last one of them would know the theme song from The Beverly Hillbillies.

[MysteRy]

Because of the level of my chess game I was able - even against a weak opponent such as my younger brothers or the dog - to get myself checkmated in under three minutes. I challenge any computer to do it faster.