~ Dave Barry Quotes ~

[MysteRy]

You should never pick up a newspaper when you're feeling good because every newspaper has a special department called the Bummer Desk which is responsible for digging up depressing front-page stories with headlines like DOORBELL USE LINKED TO LEUKEMIA and OZONE LAYER COMPLETELY GONE DIRECTLY OVER YOUR HOUSE.

[MysteRy]

The only flaw in the Hinckley trial is that it left a lot of people with the impression that psychiatrists are just a bunch of bearded voodoo doctors who espouse confusing and wildly contradictory theories that have nothing to do with common sense. This is totally unfair. Many psychiatrists are clean-shaven.

[MysteRy]

I figured out why I'm not getting seriously rich. I write newspaper columns. Nobody ever makes newspaper columns into Major Motion Pictures starring Tom Cruise. The best you can hope for with a newspaper column is that people will like it enough to attach it to their refrigerators with magnets shaped like fruit.

[MysteRy]

The function of RAM is to give us guys a way of deciding whose computer has the biggest studliest most tumescent MEMORY. This is important because with today's complex software the more memory a computer has the faster it can produce error messages. So the bottom line is if you're a guy you cannot have enough RAM.

[MysteRy]

Experts tell us that if the Millennium Bug is not fixed when the year 2000 arrives our financial records will be inaccurate our telephone system will be unreliable our government will be paralyzed and airline flights will be canceled without warning. In other words things will be pretty much the same as they are now.

[MysteRy]

It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody - and we are not naming names but this would be his wife - is quietly trying to discard his underwear which she is frankly jealous of because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her.

[MysteRy]

Over the next hundred years or so football saw a great many major innovations and refinements that are too boring to even think about. Along the way professional football came into being so that the largest and most violent college players would have a way to earn money other than simply demanding it from innocent civilians.

[MysteRy]

On the Japanese news if the announcers had happy faces and perky voices I knew that meant good news such as that Japanese scientists had discovered a way to make VCR's even more difficult for Americans to program; whereas if the announcers had serious voices and frowny faces it meant bad news such as the worsening eel shortage.

[MysteRy]

It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million guy sperm cells each one wriggling in its own direction totally confident it knows where it is going to locate a female egg despite the fact that the egg is relative to them the size of Wisconsin.

[MysteRy]

In the old days it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it 'Christmas' and went to church; the Jews called it 'Hanukkah' and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say 'Merry Christmas!' or 'Happy Hanukkah!' or (to the atheists) 'Look out for the wall!'

[MysteRy]

Tokyo is huge. Something like 15 million people live there and my estimate is that at any given moment 14.7 million of them are lost. This is because the Tokyo street system holds the world outdoor record for randomness. A map of Tokyo looks like a tub of hyperactive bait. There is virtually no street that goes directly from anywhere to anywhere.

[MysteRy]

Drug testing is very big in football. This is because football players are Role Models for young people. All you young people out there want to grow up and have enormous necks and get knee operations as often as haircuts. That's why the people in charge of football don't want you to associate it with drugs. They want you to associate it with alcohol.

[MysteRy]

Cooking was invented in prehistoric times when a primitive tribe had a lucky accident. The tribe had killed an animal and was going to eat it raw when a tribe member named Woog tripped and dropped it into the fire. At first the other tribe members were angry at Woog but then as the aroma of burning meat filled the air they had an idea. So they ate Woog raw.