~ Dave Barry Quotes ~

[MysteRy]

Once again we come to the Holiday Season a deeply religious time that each of us observes in his own way by going to the mall of his choice.

[MysteRy]

Big business never pays a nickel in taxes according to Ralph Nader who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes.

[MysteRy]

If you were to open up a baby's head -- and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should -- you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland.

[MysteRy]

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen for example there would be no way to make water a vital ingredient in beer.

[MysteRy]

Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus you can repeat words! And they don't even have to be true!

[MysteRy]

I hate rap music which to me sounds like a bunch of angry men shouting possibly because the person who was supposed to provide them with a melody never showed up.

[MysteRy]

The Internet is a giant international network of intelligent informed computer enthusiasts by which I mean people without lives. We don't care. We have each other...

[MysteRy]

Talking about golf is always boring. (Playing golf can be interesting but not the part where you try to hit the little ball; only the part where you drive the cart.)

[MysteRy]

My mother used to say to me: Son it's better to be rich and healthy than poor and sick. I think that still makes a heck of a lot of sense even in these troubles times.

[MysteRy]

What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth? Judging from realistic simulations involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog we can assume it will be pretty bad.

[MysteRy]

The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture finished and put inside boxes.

[MysteRy]

Meetings are an addictive highly self-indulgent activity that corporations and other large organizations habitually engage in only because they cannot actually masturbate.

[MysteRy]

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today I have finished 2 bags of M&M's and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.

[MysteRy]

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base.

[MysteRy]

Buying the right computer and getting it to work properly is no more complicated than building a nuclear reactor from wristwatch parts in a darkened room using only your teeth.