~ Dave Barry Quotes ~

[MysteRy]

[highlight-text]Because of the level of my chess game I was able - even against a weak opponent such as my younger brothers or the dog - to get myself checkmated in under three minutes. I challenge any computer to do it faster.

Dave Barry

[MysteRy]

[highlight-text]Back in the old days most families were close-knit. Grown children and their parents continued to live together under the same roof sometimes in the same small crowded room year in and year out until they died frequently by strangulation.

Dave Barry

[MysteRy]

[highlight-text]When you get right down to it the Safety Lecture is a silly idea. I mean if the passengers really thought the plane was going to crash they wouldn't get on it in the first place let alone learn how to get an adequate oxygen supply on the way down.

Dave Barry

[MysteRy]

[highlight-text]Look closely at Central America and try to imagine what would happen if this vital region were to fall into Communist hands. What would happen is a lot of Communists would be stung repeatedly by vivious tropical insects the size of mature hamsters.

Dave Barry

[MysteRy]

[highlight-text]The books all say that barracuda rarely eat people but very few barracuda can read and they have far more teeth than would be necessary for a strictly seafood diet. Their mouths look like the entire $39.95 set of Ginsu knives including the handy Arm Slicer.

Dave Barry

[MysteRy]

[highlight-text]To you taxpayers out there let me say this: Make sure you file your tax return on time! And remember that even though income taxes can be a “pain in the neck ” the folks at the IRS are regular people just like you except that they can destroy your life.

Dave Barry

[MysteRy]

[highlight-text]Puns are little plays on words that a certain breed of person loves to spring on you and then look at you in a certain self-satisfied way to indicate that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the cleverest person on Earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead.

Dave Barry

[MysteRy]

[highlight-text]Stuffwise we are not a lean operation. We're the kind of people who if we were deciding what absolute minimum essential items we'd need to carry in our backpacks for the final treacherous ascent to the summit of Mount Everest would take along aquarium filters just in case.

Dave Barry

[MysteRy]

[highlight-text]The reason gas stations sell food of course is that the supermarkets are busy cashing checks. The supermarkets have to cash checks because the banks are busy mailing unsolicited credit cards to everybody in the Western Hemisphere. The result is that very few people fix cars.

Dave Barry

[MysteRy]

[highlight-text]Without computers the government would be unable to function at the level of effectiveness and efficiency that we have come to expect. This is because the primary function of the government is -- and here I am quoting directly from the U.S. Constitution -- 'to spew out paper.'

Dave Barry

[MysteRy]

[highlight-text]American business long ago gave up on demanding that prospective employees be honest and hardworking. It has even stopped hoping for employees who are educated enough that they can tell the difference between the men's room and the women's room without having little pictures on the doors.

Dave Barry

[MysteRy]

[highlight-text]I'm a middle age white guy which means I'm constantly reminded that my particular group is responsible for the oppression of every known minority PLUS most wars PLUS government corruption PLUS pollution of the environment not to mention that it was middle-age white guys who killed Bambi's mom.

Dave Barry

[MysteRy]

[highlight-text]There are many silly superstitions about lightning and as a result many people - maybe even you - are terrified of it. You shouldn't worry. Thanks to modern science we now know that lightning is nothing more than huge chunks of electricity that can come out of the sky anytime anywhere and kill you.

Dave Barry

[MysteRy]

[highlight-text]You should never pick up a newspaper when you're feeling good because every newspaper has a special department called the Bummer Desk which is responsible for digging up depressing front-page stories with headlines like DOORBELL USE LINKED TO LEUKEMIA and OZONE LAYER COMPLETELY GONE DIRECTLY OVER YOUR HOUSE.

Dave Barry

[MysteRy]

[highlight-text]The only flaw in the Hinckley trial is that it left a lot of people with the impression that psychiatrists are just a bunch of bearded voodoo doctors who espouse confusing and wildly contradictory theories that have nothing to do with common sense. This is totally unfair. Many psychiatrists are clean-shaven.

Dave Barry