Author Topic: ~ Steven Wright Quotes ~ (Read 1764 times)

MysteRy · « **Reply #15 on:** October 10, 2015, 11:33:23 AM »

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

MysteRy · « **Reply #16 on:** October 10, 2015, 11:33:49 AM »

I bought some batteries but they weren't included so I had to buy them again.

MysteRy · « **Reply #17 on:** October 10, 2015, 11:34:19 AM »

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't part anywhere near the place.

MysteRy · « **Reply #18 on:** October 10, 2015, 11:35:11 AM »

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

MysteRy · « **Reply #19 on:** October 10, 2015, 11:35:42 AM »

Last night I was playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

MysteRy · « **Reply #20 on:** October 10, 2015, 11:36:25 AM »

I installed a skylight in my apartment yesterday. The people who live above me are furious.

MysteRy · « **Reply #21 on:** October 10, 2015, 11:36:53 AM »

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

MysteRy · « **Reply #22 on:** October 10, 2015, 11:37:24 AM »

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

MysteRy · « **Reply #23 on:** October 10, 2015, 11:37:53 AM »

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide is that considered a hostage situation?

MysteRy · « **Reply #24 on:** October 10, 2015, 11:38:21 AM »

I have a microwave fireplace. I can lay down in front of the fire for the evening in eight minutes.

MysteRy · « **Reply #25 on:** October 10, 2015, 11:38:49 AM »

I hate it when my leg falls sleep in the middle of the day because that means it'll be up all night.

MysteRy · « **Reply #26 on:** October 10, 2015, 11:39:29 AM »

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me 'Did you sleep well?' I said 'No I made a few mistakes.'

MysteRy · « **Reply #27 on:** October 10, 2015, 11:40:20 AM »

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

MysteRy · « **Reply #28 on:** October 10, 2015, 11:40:48 AM »

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas people behind me stop and I'm gone.

MysteRy · « **Reply #29 on:** October 10, 2015, 11:41:21 AM »

I cried because I had no shoes 'till I met a man who had no feet. So I said 'You got any shoes you're not using'?

News: