~ Jack Handey Quotes ~

[MysteRy]

Jack Handey Quotes


An American humorist. 
Jack Handey (born 25 February 1949) is an American humorist. He is best known for his Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey, a large body of surrealistic one-liner jokes, as well as his "Fuzzy Memories" and "My Big Thick Novel" shorts. Although many people assume otherwise, Handey is a real person, not a pen name or character.

Here are some famous quotes by Jack Handey. 

The face of a child can say it all especially the mouth part of the face.

[MysteRy]

If I ever get real rich I hope I'm not real mean to poor people like I am now.

[MysteRy]

A man doesn't automatically get my respect. He has to get down in the dirt and beg for it.

[MysteRy]

I wish I had a kryptonite cross because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.

[MysteRy]

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

[MysteRy]

If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength I hate to tell you this but that's another weakness.

[MysteRy]

Playing dead not only comes in handy when face to face with a bear but also at important business meetings.

[MysteRy]

What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid-gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.

[MysteRy]

I think that a hat which has a little cannon that fires and then goes back inside the hat is at least a decade away.

[MysteRy]

Instead of burning a guy at the stake what about burning him at the STILTS? It probably lasts longer plus it moves around.

[MysteRy]

If you're in a boxing match try not to let the other guy's glove touch your lips because you don't know where that glove has been.

[MysteRy]

If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future it's probably best to avoid eye contact.

[MysteRy]

Children need encouragement. So if a kid gets an answer right tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good lucky feeling.

[MysteRy]

I believe in making the world safe for our children but not our children's children because I don't think children should be having sex.

[MysteRy]

Whenever you read a good book it's like the author is right there in the room talking to you which is why I don't like to read good books.