~ Comedy Quotes ~

[MysteRy]

[highlight-text]If you're watchin' a parade, make sure you stand in one spot, don't follow it, it never changes. And if the parade is boring, run in the opposite direction, you will fast-foward the parade.

Mitch Hedberg

[MysteRy]

[highlight-text]This is what my friend said to me; he said, 'Guess what I like? Mashed potatoes.' It's like,'Dude. you gotta give me time to guess. If you're gonna quiz me, you must insert a pause in there.'

Mitch Hedberg

[MysteRy]

[highlight-text]Tony the tiger thinks shit is great. Thats all I got. I ordered two little boxes of frosted flakes for room service, it cost $37.50! On the box Tony the tiger was going 'they're ffSorrying expensive!'

Mitch Hedberg

[MysteRy]

[highlight-text]Steam rollers run shit over to make sure it's good. Like if they want to test a product, they'll run over it with a steam roller. How do you know the steam roller's good? Who ran over the steam roller?

Mitch Hedberg

[MysteRy]

[highlight-text]Fish are always eating other fish. If fish could scream, the ocean would be loud as shit. You would not want to submerge your head, nothing but fish going 'Ahhh, Sorry! I thought I looked like that rock!'

Mitch Hedberg

[MysteRy]

[highlight-text]Sometimes in the middle of the night, I think of something that's funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen's too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny.

Mitch Hedberg

[MysteRy]

[highlight-text]On a stop light green means go and yellow means slow down, but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means 'hold on,' yellow means 'go ahead,' and red means, 'where the Sorry did you get that banana at?'

Mitch Hedberg

[MysteRy]

[highlight-text]All the people throughout my life who were naysayers pissed me off. But they've all given me a fervor; an angry ambition that cannot be stopped - and I look forward to finding a therapist and working on that.

Tobey Maguire

[MysteRy]

[highlight-text]I was walking down the street with my friend and he said, 'I hear music', as if there is any other way you can take it in. You're not special, that's how I receive it too. I tried to taste it but it did not work.

Mitch Hedberg

[MysteRy]

[highlight-text]I want to hang a map of the world in my house, and then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.

Mitch Hedberg

[MysteRy]

[highlight-text]I have a new CD; it's in stores, and when you have a CD in stores, you have to do in-store appearances, and if nobody shows up, I just pretend like I'm shopping. That's how I shop; I sit behind a table with a pen.

Mitch Hedberg

[MysteRy]

[highlight-text]That'd be funny if you were a drummer, and you grabbed two magical wands instead of drumsticks. Be pounding out the beat '1-2-3-4 Oh shit, my bass player's now a can of soup... Sorry Rick, I mean Cream of Mushroom!'

Mitch Hedberg

[MysteRy]

[highlight-text]See, this CD is in stores. The only way I could get my old CD into a store is if I were to take one in and leave it. Then the guys says, 'Sir, you forgot this!' 'No, I did not. That is for sale. Please alphabetize it.'

Mitch Hedberg

[MysteRy]

[highlight-text]I saw a commercial on late night TV, it said,'Forget everything you know about slipcovers.' So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, and I didn't know what the hell they were.

Mitch Hedberg

[MysteRy]

[highlight-text]I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. There's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run, he's fuzzy, get out of here.

Mitch Hedberg