~ Jack Handey Quotes ~

[MysteRy]

I can picture in my mind a world without war a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world because they'd never expect it.

[MysteRy]

How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about the pillow? It has more feathers than the dove and it doesn't have that dangerous beak.

[MysteRy]

I think a good gift for the president would be a chocolate revolver. And since he's so busy you'd probably have to run up to him and hand it to him.

[MysteRy]

Instead of a trap door what about a trap window? The guy looks out it and if he leans too far he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window.

[MysteRy]

Whenever someone asks me to define love I usually think for a minute then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. NOW who's asking the questions?

[MysteRy]

I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain because later you might think you're having a good idea but it's just eggs hatching.

[MysteRy]

Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck and the guy screams and tries to get it off I have to laugh because what IS that thing?!

[MysteRy]

It makes me mad when people say I turned and ran like a scared rabbit. Maybe it was like an angry rabbit who was going to fight in another fight away from the first fight.

[MysteRy]

To me clowns aren't funny. In fact they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.

[MysteRy]

Even though he was an enemy of mine I had to admit that what he had accomplished was a brilliant piece of strategy. First he punched me then he kicked me then he punched me again.

[MysteRy]

To me it's always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way if anybody says 'Hey can you give me a hand? ' you can say 'Sorry got these sacks.'

[MysteRy]

If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city boy I don't know what to tell you.

[MysteRy]

When this girl at the museum asked me who I liked better Monet or Manet I said 'I like mayonnaise.' She just stared at me so I said it again louder. Then she left. I guess she went to try to find some mayonnaise for me.

[MysteRy]

I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff then when somebody comes up act like they just woke up and go 'What was THAT?!'

[MysteRy]

Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus's-flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition.