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[highlight-text]MEGAHERTZ: This is a really really big hertz.
Dave Barry
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[highlight-text]Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.
Dave Barry
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[highlight-text]Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.
Dave Barry
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[highlight-text]Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
Dave Barry
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[highlight-text]What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.
Dave Barry
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[highlight-text]Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.
Dave Barry
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[highlight-text]The Internet: Transforming Society and Shaping the Future Through Chat.
Dave Barry
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[highlight-text]As a child I was more afraid of tetanus shots than for example Dracula.
Dave Barry
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[highlight-text]The four building blocks of the universe are fire water gravel and vinyl.
Dave Barry
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[highlight-text]The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.
Dave Barry
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[highlight-text]'You scratch my back and I'll sorry blood out of yours' - that is the insect motto.
Dave Barry
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[highlight-text]Like many members of the uncultured Cheez-It consuming public I am not good at grasping modern art.
Dave Barry
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[highlight-text]You should do your own car repairs. It's an easy way to save money and possibly maim yourself for life.
Dave Barry
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[highlight-text]People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
Dave Barry
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[highlight-text]If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads he would have made them cute and furry.
Dave Barry
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[highlight-text]We humans do not need to leave Earth to get to a hostile deadly alien environment; we already have Miami.
Dave Barry
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[highlight-text]It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.
Dave Barry
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[highlight-text]We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS because as citizens we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.
Dave Barry
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[highlight-text]The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins.
Dave Barry
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[highlight-text]Childbirth as a strictly physical phenomenon is comparable to driving a United Parcel truck through an inner tube.
Dave Barry
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[highlight-text]Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough.
Dave Barry
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[highlight-text]If God had wanted us to spend our time fretting about the problems of home ownership He would never have invented beer.
Dave Barry
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[highlight-text]Magnetism as you recall from physics class is a powerful force that causes certain items to be attracted to refrigerators.
Dave Barry
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[highlight-text]Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?
Dave Barry
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[highlight-text]The major parties could conduct live human sacrifices on their podiums during prime time and I doubt that anybody would notice.
Dave Barry
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[highlight-text]It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent.
Dave Barry
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[highlight-text]A guy could have one major limb lying on the ground a full ten feet from the rest of his body and he'd claim it was 'just a sprain'.
Dave Barry
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[highlight-text]There are no seeing eye cats of course because the sole function of cats in the Great Chain of Life is to cause harm to human beings.
Dave Barry
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[highlight-text]Scientists tell us that the fastest animal on earth with a top speed of 120 ft/sec is a cow that has been dropped out of a helicopter.
Dave Barry
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[highlight-text]Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.
Dave Barry
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[highlight-text]The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery.
Dave Barry
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[highlight-text]You can say any foolish thing to a dog and the dog will give you a look that says My God you're right! I never would've thought of that!''
Dave Barry
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[highlight-text]The information encoded in your DNA determines your unique biological characteristics such as sex eye color age and Social Security number.
Dave Barry
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[highlight-text]Once again we come to the Holiday Season a deeply religious time that each of us observes in his own way by going to the mall of his choice.
Dave Barry
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[highlight-text]Big business never pays a nickel in taxes according to Ralph Nader who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes.
Dave Barry
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[highlight-text]If you were to open up a baby's head -- and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should -- you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland.
Dave Barry
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[highlight-text]Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen for example there would be no way to make water a vital ingredient in beer.
Dave Barry
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[highlight-text]Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus you can repeat words! And they don't even have to be true!
Dave Barry
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[highlight-text]I hate rap music which to me sounds like a bunch of angry men shouting possibly because the person who was supposed to provide them with a melody never showed up.
Dave Barry
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[highlight-text]The Internet is a giant international network of intelligent informed computer enthusiasts by which I mean people without lives. We don't care. We have each other...
Dave Barry
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[highlight-text]My mother used to say to me: Son it's better to be rich and healthy than poor and sick. I think that still makes a heck of a lot of sense even in these troubles times.
Dave Barry
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[highlight-text]What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth? Judging from realistic simulations involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog we can assume it will be pretty bad.
Dave Barry
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[highlight-text]The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture finished and put inside boxes.
Dave Barry
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[highlight-text]Meetings are an addictive highly self-indulgent activity that corporations and other large organizations habitually engage in only because they cannot actually masturbate.
Dave Barry
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[highlight-text]If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base.
Dave Barry
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[highlight-text]Buying the right computer and getting it to work properly is no more complicated than building a nuclear reactor from wristwatch parts in a darkened room using only your teeth.
Dave Barry
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[highlight-text]I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories.
Dave Barry
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[highlight-text]The ACLU is always yakking about the Constitution and most of us are getting mighty tired of it. I mean if the Constitution is so great how come it was amended so many times? Huh?
Dave Barry
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[highlight-text]I realise that I'm making gender-based generalizations here but my feeling is that if God did not want us to make gender-based generalizations She would not have given us genders.
Dave Barry
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[highlight-text]Admit it sport-utility-vehicle owners! It's shaped a little differently but it's a station wagon! And you do not drive it across rivers! You drive it across the Wal-Mart parking lot!
Dave Barry
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[highlight-text]Without question the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
Dave Barry
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[highlight-text]Karate is a form of marital arts in which people who have had years and years of training can using only their hands and feet make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.
Dave Barry
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[highlight-text]Classical music gradually lost popularity because it is too complicated: you need twenty-five or thirty skilled musicians just to hum it properly. So people began to develop regular music.
Dave Barry
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[highlight-text]The one thing that unites all human beings regardless of age gender religion economic status or ethnic background is that deep down inside we ALL believe that we are above- average drivers.
Dave Barry
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[highlight-text]Magnetism is one of the Six Fundamental Forces of the Universe with the other five being Gravity Duct Tape Whining Remote Control and The Force That Pulls Dogs Toward The Groins Of Strangers.
Dave Barry
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[highlight-text]It is a good idea to shop around before you settle on a doctor. Ask about the condition of his Mercedes. Ask about the competence of his mechanic. Don't be shy! After all you're paying for it.
Dave Barry
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[highlight-text]In fact just about all the major natural attractions you find in the West -- the Grand Canyon the Badlands the Goodlands the Mediocrelands the Rocky Mountains and Robert Redford -- were caused by erosion.
Dave Barry
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[highlight-text]Congress after years of stalling finally got around to clearing the way for informal discussions that might lead to possible formal talks that could potentially produce some kind of tentative agreements...
Dave Barry
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[highlight-text]I recently had my annual physical examination which I get once every seven years and when the nurse weighed me I was shocked to discover how much stronger the Earth's gravitational pull has become since 1990.
Dave Barry
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[highlight-text]If you surveyed a hundred typical middle-aged Americans I bet you'd find that only two of them could tell you their blood types but every last one of them would know the theme song from The Beverly Hillbillies.
Dave Barry
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[highlight-text]Because of the level of my chess game I was able - even against a weak opponent such as my younger brothers or the dog - to get myself checkmated in under three minutes. I challenge any computer to do it faster.
Dave Barry
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[highlight-text]Back in the old days most families were close-knit. Grown children and their parents continued to live together under the same roof sometimes in the same small crowded room year in and year out until they died frequently by strangulation.
Dave Barry
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[highlight-text]When you get right down to it the Safety Lecture is a silly idea. I mean if the passengers really thought the plane was going to crash they wouldn't get on it in the first place let alone learn how to get an adequate oxygen supply on the way down.
Dave Barry
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[highlight-text]Look closely at Central America and try to imagine what would happen if this vital region were to fall into Communist hands. What would happen is a lot of Communists would be stung repeatedly by vivious tropical insects the size of mature hamsters.
Dave Barry
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[highlight-text]The books all say that barracuda rarely eat people but very few barracuda can read and they have far more teeth than would be necessary for a strictly seafood diet. Their mouths look like the entire $39.95 set of Ginsu knives including the handy Arm Slicer.
Dave Barry
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[highlight-text]To you taxpayers out there let me say this: Make sure you file your tax return on time! And remember that even though income taxes can be a “pain in the neck ” the folks at the IRS are regular people just like you except that they can destroy your life.
Dave Barry
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[highlight-text]Puns are little plays on words that a certain breed of person loves to spring on you and then look at you in a certain self-satisfied way to indicate that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the cleverest person on Earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead.
Dave Barry
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[highlight-text]Stuffwise we are not a lean operation. We're the kind of people who if we were deciding what absolute minimum essential items we'd need to carry in our backpacks for the final treacherous ascent to the summit of Mount Everest would take along aquarium filters just in case.
Dave Barry
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[highlight-text]The reason gas stations sell food of course is that the supermarkets are busy cashing checks. The supermarkets have to cash checks because the banks are busy mailing unsolicited credit cards to everybody in the Western Hemisphere. The result is that very few people fix cars.
Dave Barry
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[highlight-text]Without computers the government would be unable to function at the level of effectiveness and efficiency that we have come to expect. This is because the primary function of the government is -- and here I am quoting directly from the U.S. Constitution -- 'to spew out paper.'
Dave Barry
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[highlight-text]American business long ago gave up on demanding that prospective employees be honest and hardworking. It has even stopped hoping for employees who are educated enough that they can tell the difference between the men's room and the women's room without having little pictures on the doors.
Dave Barry
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[highlight-text]I'm a middle age white guy which means I'm constantly reminded that my particular group is responsible for the oppression of every known minority PLUS most wars PLUS government corruption PLUS pollution of the environment not to mention that it was middle-age white guys who killed Bambi's mom.
Dave Barry
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[highlight-text]There are many silly superstitions about lightning and as a result many people - maybe even you - are terrified of it. You shouldn't worry. Thanks to modern science we now know that lightning is nothing more than huge chunks of electricity that can come out of the sky anytime anywhere and kill you.
Dave Barry
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[highlight-text]You should never pick up a newspaper when you're feeling good because every newspaper has a special department called the Bummer Desk which is responsible for digging up depressing front-page stories with headlines like DOORBELL USE LINKED TO LEUKEMIA and OZONE LAYER COMPLETELY GONE DIRECTLY OVER YOUR HOUSE.
Dave Barry
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[highlight-text]The only flaw in the Hinckley trial is that it left a lot of people with the impression that psychiatrists are just a bunch of bearded voodoo doctors who espouse confusing and wildly contradictory theories that have nothing to do with common sense. This is totally unfair. Many psychiatrists are clean-shaven.
Dave Barry
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[highlight-text]I figured out why I'm not getting seriously rich. I write newspaper columns. Nobody ever makes newspaper columns into Major Motion Pictures starring Tom Cruise. The best you can hope for with a newspaper column is that people will like it enough to attach it to their refrigerators with magnets shaped like fruit.
Dave Barry
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[highlight-text]The function of RAM is to give us guys a way of deciding whose computer has the biggest studliest most tumescent MEMORY. This is important because with today's complex software the more memory a computer has the faster it can produce error messages. So the bottom line is if you're a guy you cannot have enough RAM.
Dave Barry
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[highlight-text]Experts tell us that if the Millennium Bug is not fixed when the year 2000 arrives our financial records will be inaccurate our telephone system will be unreliable our government will be paralyzed and airline flights will be canceled without warning. In other words things will be pretty much the same as they are now.
Dave Barry
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[highlight-text]It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody - and we are not naming names but this would be his wife - is quietly trying to discard his underwear which she is frankly jealous of because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her.
Dave Barry
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[highlight-text]Over the next hundred years or so football saw a great many major innovations and refinements that are too boring to even think about. Along the way professional football came into being so that the largest and most violent college players would have a way to earn money other than simply demanding it from innocent civilians.
Dave Barry
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[highlight-text]On the Japanese news if the announcers had happy faces and perky voices I knew that meant good news such as that Japanese scientists had discovered a way to make VCR's even more difficult for Americans to program; whereas if the announcers had serious voices and frowny faces it meant bad news such as the worsening eel shortage.
Dave Barry
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[highlight-text]It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million guy sperm cells each one wriggling in its own direction totally confident it knows where it is going to locate a female egg despite the fact that the egg is relative to them the size of Wisconsin.
Dave Barry
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[highlight-text]In the old days it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it 'Christmas' and went to church; the Jews called it 'Hanukkah' and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say 'Merry Christmas!' or 'Happy Hanukkah!' or (to the atheists) 'Look out for the wall!'
Dave Barry
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[highlight-text]Tokyo is huge. Something like 15 million people live there and my estimate is that at any given moment 14.7 million of them are lost. This is because the Tokyo street system holds the world outdoor record for randomness. A map of Tokyo looks like a tub of hyperactive bait. There is virtually no street that goes directly from anywhere to anywhere.
Dave Barry
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[highlight-text]Drug testing is very big in football. This is because football players are Role Models for young people. All you young people out there want to grow up and have enormous necks and get knee operations as often as haircuts. That's why the people in charge of football don't want you to associate it with drugs. They want you to associate it with alcohol.
Dave Barry
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[highlight-text]Cooking was invented in prehistoric times when a primitive tribe had a lucky accident. The tribe had killed an animal and was going to eat it raw when a tribe member named Woog tripped and dropped it into the fire. At first the other tribe members were angry at Woog but then as the aroma of burning meat filled the air they had an idea. So they ate Woog raw.
Dave Barry