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Comedy QuotesFamous Comedy quotes by popular authors such as Mitch Hedberg, Steve Martin, Douglas Adams, Woody Allen, Fran Lebowitz and others.
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[highlight-text]I dressed up for the CD.
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]Comedy is tragedy plus time.
Carol Burnett
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[highlight-text]Nothing you can't spell will ever work.
Will Rogers
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[highlight-text]My girl works at Hooters, in the kitchen.
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]I play sports...no I don't, what the Sorry?
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef.
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
Peter Ustinov
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[highlight-text]I'm an ice sculptor - last night I made a cube.
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]If I were two-faced would I be wearing this one?
Abraham Lincoln
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[highlight-text]I can sell out Madison Square Garden masturbating.
Mike Tyson
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[highlight-text]If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be Sorryed up.
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]Success didn't spoil me I've always been insufferable.
Fran Lebowitz
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[highlight-text]I've been accused of vulgarity. I say that's bullshit.
Mel Brooks
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[highlight-text]My goal is to someday be the person my dog thinks I am.
Author Unknown
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[highlight-text]I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]This shirt is 'dry-clean only'...which means it's dirty.
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]An escalator can never break - it can only become stairs.
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]When I read about the evils of drinking I gave up reading.
Author Unknown
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[highlight-text]I had one anchovy, that's why I didn't have two anchovies.
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]Boy those French they have a different word for everything!
Steve Martin
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[highlight-text]A Canadian is someone who knows how to make love in a canoe.
Pierre Berton
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[highlight-text]In real life I assure you there is no such thing as algebra.
Fran Lebowitz
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[highlight-text]My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]If I could drop dead right now I'd be the happiest man alive.
Samuel Goldwyn
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[highlight-text]I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
Groucho Marx
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[highlight-text]I have a vest. If I had my arms cut off, it would be a jacket.
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]I don't care what is written about me so long as it isn't true.
Dorothy Parker
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[highlight-text]If stupidity got us into this mess then why can't it get us out?
Will Rogers
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[highlight-text]Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
Benjamin Franklin
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[highlight-text]Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
Mark Twain
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[highlight-text]I've always wanted a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist... allright.
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]I just finished my first book. Pretty soon I'm gonna read another.
Rodney Dangerfield
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[highlight-text]When we played softball I'd steal second base feel guilty and go back.
Woody Allen
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[highlight-text]All I've ever wanted was an honest week's pay for an honest day's work.
Steve Martin
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[highlight-text]I like it when people laugh for no reason... like that lady over there.
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]I like wearing necklaces, because it lets me know when I'm upside down.
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking distance.
Author Unknown
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[highlight-text](From the enclosed booklet) Jamaican Air -- Every flight is the red-eye!
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]How can you be expected to govern a country that has 246 kinds of cheese?
Charles de Gaulle
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[highlight-text]Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, 'Dude, you have to wait.'
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]It is a mistake to think you can solve any major problems just with potatoes.
Douglas Adams
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[highlight-text]Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns -- he should be drawn and quoted.
Fred Allen
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[highlight-text]I like rice. Rice is great when you're hungry and you want 2,000 of something.
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]I feel sorry for short people you know. When it rains they're the last to know.
Rodney Dangerfield
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[highlight-text]I wanted to buy a candle holder but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]What am I drinking? NyQuil on the rocks, for when you're feeling sick but sociable.
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.
Mel Brooks
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[highlight-text]First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
Steve Martin
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[highlight-text]Of course the meek will inherit the earth what did you think they'd take it by force?
Author Unknown
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[highlight-text]I would imagine that the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is... Sorrying... clean.
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]If you have dentures, don't use artificial sweetener, cause you'll get a fake cavity.
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I'd be making money in a very weird way.
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]Outside of a dog a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it is too dark to read.
Groucho Marx
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[highlight-text]Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.
Charles M. Schulz
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[highlight-text]I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
Douglas Adams
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[highlight-text]A fly was very close to being called a 'land,' cause that's what they do half the time.
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
Henny Youngman
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[highlight-text]I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather on his deathbed sold me this watch.
Woody Allen
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[highlight-text]I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful natural wholesome things that money can buy.
Steve Martin
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[highlight-text]My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
Henny Youngman
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[highlight-text]Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in my bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.
Woody Allen
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[highlight-text]Remember that show 'My Three Sons'? It'd be funny if it was called 'My One Dad'... wait, what?
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]The problem is not that we have too many fools it's that the lightning isn't distributed right.
Mark Twain
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[highlight-text]My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
Orson Welles
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[highlight-text]I saw a sheet lying on the floor, it must have been a ghost that had passed out... SO I KICKED IT!
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]I wish TV had a knob so you could turn up the intelligence. The one marked Brightness doesn't work.
Leo Gallagher
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[highlight-text]I love my fed-ex guy cause he's a drug dealer and he doesn't even know it...and he's always on time.
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]Baldness is visually enough of a stigma as it is without a big sweaty bloke on stage pointing it out.
Johnny Vegas
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[highlight-text]I got a wallet, it's a Trifold... that shit is stacked! It's orange color, in case I wanna buy a deer.
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]I went to a record store, they said they specialized in hard-to-find records. NOTHING WAS ALPHABETIZED!
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]Please if you ever see me getting beaten up by the police please put your video camera down and help me.
Bobcat Goldthwait
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[highlight-text]I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of another boy.
Woody Allen
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[highlight-text]I never took hallucinogenic drugs because I never wanted my consciousness expanded one unnecessary iota.
Fran Lebowitz
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[highlight-text]To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times.
Mark Twain
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[highlight-text]I'm at an age where I think more about food than sex. Last week I put a mirror over my dining room table.
Rodney Dangerfield
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[highlight-text]People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. Unless, of course, they enjoy many broken windows.
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.
Rodney Dangerfield
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[highlight-text]I've done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or or not.
Fran Lebowitz
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[highlight-text]My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so ... yeah'.
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it.
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]I'm sick of Soup of the Day, it's time we made a decision. I wanna know what the Sorry 'Soup From Now On' is.
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]The number one cause of alcoholic relapse in winged insects is being trapped in a pint glass with an ashtray.
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]Whenever I go to shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving, so I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]If I was on death row and given one last meal I would ask for a fortune cookie. 'Come on 'long prosperous life!''
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]Stand-up comedy is transient. History shows that you can stand up for so long; after that you're asked to sit down.
Steve Martin
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[highlight-text]It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light and certainly not desirable as one's hat keeps blowing off.
Woody Allen
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[highlight-text]You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later.
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]Nothing travels faster than the speed of light with the possible exception of bad news which obeys its own set of laws.
Douglas Adams
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[highlight-text]I angered the clerk in a clothing shop today. She asked me what size I was and I said actual, because I am not to scale.
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]What I just said is the fundamental end-all final not-subject-to-opinion absolute truth depending on where you're standing.
Steve Martin
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[highlight-text]I am so amazingly cool you could keep a side of meat in me for a month. I am so hip I have difficulty seeing over my pelvis.
Douglas Adams
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[highlight-text]If I bought a company that made hot dog buns, on Day 1 we would add 2 buns to every package... Day 2, work on deliciousness.
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]The reason I love my dog so much is because when I come home he's the only one in the world who treats me like I'm The Beatles.
Bill Maher
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[highlight-text]Hosting the Oscars is like making love to a beautiful woman - it's something I only get to do when Billy Crystal's out of town.
Steve Martin
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[highlight-text]Do not compute the totality of your poultry population until all the manifestations of incubation have been entirely completed.
William Jennings Bryan
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[highlight-text]My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-five now and we don't know where the hell she is.
Ellen DeGeneres
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[highlight-text]Lull is one letter away from being four L's in a... aw Sorry. I thought I had a concept there, but then I realized, no, you do not.
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]I had a piece of Carefree Sugarless gum and I was still worried. It never kicked in, I took it back to the store and said 'Bullshit!'
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]If you find yourself lost in the woods, Sorry it, build a house. 'Well, I was lost but now I live here! I have severely improved my predicament!'
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text](to audience) I like the way this is situated here. It seems like you guys were chasing me, closing in, and then said 'Sorry it...lets sit down'.
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]I don't have any children but if I had a baby I would have to name it so I'd buy a 'baby naming book'. Or I would invite somebody over who had a cast on.
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would sorry, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.'
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]People want to know why I do this why I write such gross stuff. I like to tell them that I have the heart of a small boy...and I keep it in a jar on my desk.
Stephen King
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[highlight-text]If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck we have at least to consider the possibility that we have a small aquatic bird of the family anatidae on our hands.
Douglas Adams
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[highlight-text]By the way, you don't have to be sweaty and holding a basketball to enjoy a Gatorade. You could just be...a thirsty dude! Gatorade forgets about this demographic!
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]My roommate said to me, 'I'm gonna go shave and use the shower; does anyone need to use the bathroom?' It's like some weird ass quiz where he reveals the answer first.
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier'n helpin' 'em move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]I find a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread. Ducks love bread, but they can't buy any. That's the biggest joke on the duck ever.
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]I can think of nothing more boring for the American people than to have to sit in their living rooms for a whole half hour looking at my face on their television screens.
Dwight D. Eisenhower
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[highlight-text]I was walking down the street the other day when this guy asked if I wanted a frozen banana...I said 'no' but then thought I might want a regular banana later, so...yeah.
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]I like vending machines 'cause snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at a store, oftentimes, I will drop it... so that it achieves its maximum flavor potential.
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]When I was younger, my mother told me, 'Mitch, some day you're going to have to move out of the house and get a job.' Well, today is the day, that's why I'm here with you people.
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]I wrote a script and gave it to a guy that reads scripts. And he read it and said he really likes it, but he thinks I need to rewrite it. I said, 'Sorry that, I'll just make a copy.'
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry what was that last one? Don't eat pork? Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?
Jon Stewart
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[highlight-text]I walked into Target, but I missed. I think the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around. And, when I finally get in, the guy says, 'Can I help you?' 'Just practicing.'
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]If you're watchin' a parade, make sure you stand in one spot, don't follow it, it never changes. And if the parade is boring, run in the opposite direction, you will fast-foward the parade.
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]This is what my friend said to me; he said, 'Guess what I like? Mashed potatoes.' It's like,'Dude. you gotta give me time to guess. If you're gonna quiz me, you must insert a pause in there.'
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]Tony the tiger thinks shit is great. Thats all I got. I ordered two little boxes of frosted flakes for room service, it cost $37.50! On the box Tony the tiger was going 'they're ffSorrying expensive!'
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]Steam rollers run shit over to make sure it's good. Like if they want to test a product, they'll run over it with a steam roller. How do you know the steam roller's good? Who ran over the steam roller?
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]Fish are always eating other fish. If fish could scream, the ocean would be loud as shit. You would not want to submerge your head, nothing but fish going 'Ahhh, Sorry! I thought I looked like that rock!'
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]Sometimes in the middle of the night, I think of something that's funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen's too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny.
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]On a stop light green means go and yellow means slow down, but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means 'hold on,' yellow means 'go ahead,' and red means, 'where the Sorry did you get that banana at?'
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]All the people throughout my life who were naysayers pissed me off. But they've all given me a fervor; an angry ambition that cannot be stopped - and I look forward to finding a therapist and working on that.
Tobey Maguire
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[highlight-text]I was walking down the street with my friend and he said, 'I hear music', as if there is any other way you can take it in. You're not special, that's how I receive it too. I tried to taste it but it did not work.
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]I want to hang a map of the world in my house, and then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]I have a new CD; it's in stores, and when you have a CD in stores, you have to do in-store appearances, and if nobody shows up, I just pretend like I'm shopping. That's how I shop; I sit behind a table with a pen.
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]That'd be funny if you were a drummer, and you grabbed two magical wands instead of drumsticks. Be pounding out the beat '1-2-3-4 Oh shit, my bass player's now a can of soup... Sorry Rick, I mean Cream of Mushroom!'
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]See, this CD is in stores. The only way I could get my old CD into a store is if I were to take one in and leave it. Then the guys says, 'Sir, you forgot this!' 'No, I did not. That is for sale. Please alphabetize it.'
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]I saw a commercial on late night TV, it said,'Forget everything you know about slipcovers.' So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, and I didn't know what the hell they were.
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. There's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run, he's fuzzy, get out of here.
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]My friend said to me, 'I think the weather's trippy.' I said, 'No, man, it's not the weather that's trippy, perhaps it is the way that we perceive it that is indeed trippy.' Then I thought, 'Man, I should have just said, 'Yeah.''
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]I saw this dude, he was wearing a leather jacket, and at the same time he was eating a hamburger and drinking a glass of milk. I said to him 'Dude, you're a cow. The metamorphosis is complete. Don't fall asleep or I'll tip you over.'
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]I can read minds but, it's pointless cause I'm illiterate. I'd know what you were thinking, if I could read. (laugh) I tried to add on to that joke. I got busted. Thought I could squeeze a couple more laughs out of it but, it was not to be.
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]An escalator can never break--it can only become stairs. You would never see an 'Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order' sign, just 'Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience. We apologize for the fact that you can still get up there.'
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]You know when it comes to racism, people say: 'I don't care if they're black, white, purple or green'... Ooh hold on now: Purple or Green? You gotta draw the line somewhere! To hell with purple people! - Unless they're suffocating - then help'em.
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]My manager saw me drinking backstage and he said 'Mitch, don't use liquor as a crutch.' I can't use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk. Liquor severely Sorrys up the way I walk. It ain't like a crutch, it's like a step I didn't see.
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It's very dangerous to wave to someone you don't know because, what if they don't have a hand? They'll think you're cocky. 'Look what I got motherSorryer! This thing is useful. I'm gonna go pick something up!'
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]They say Flintstone's vitamins are chewable. All vitamins are chewable, it's just that they taste shitty. I'm glad they made Flintstone's vitamins because I used to watch The Flintstones and go, 'Man I bet you if I ate that dude, I would be healthy.'
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]I got a king sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable. 'Oh, you're a king, you say? Well you won't believe what I have in store for you! It's to your exact specifications! I believe I can set up your old lady, too!
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]My son first wanted to go to Stanford which I thought was O.K. The weather is pretty good and it's a fairly short drive to the beach. But it wouldn't be as good as let's say Pepperdine which is in Malibu. And he said 'Dad what about the education?' I said 'Clearly I failed as a parent.'
Larry Ellison
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[highlight-text](referring to his drink) I got two straws here, in case one breaks down. You know Crazy Straws, they go all over the place? These Sorryin' straws are sane. They never lost their minds. They said, 'We're going straight to the mouth. That Sorryer who takes a while to get there? He's crazy.'
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]A guy told me he liked cherries...but... I waited to see if he was gonna say tomato...before I realized he likes cherries just...all right, that joke is ridiculous. That's like a carbon copy of the previous joke but with different ingredients. I don't know what I was trying to pull off there.
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. 'Come on four billion!... Sorry! Seven. Not even close. I need some more dice. Four billion divided by six... at least. Snake eyes!' I just said 'snake eyes.' That's a gambling term. Its also an animal term too.
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]I never joined the army because 'at ease' never seemed that easy to me. It seemed rather uptight, still. I do not relax by putting my arms behind my back and parting my legs slightly, that does not equal ease to me. At ease is not being in the military. I'm eased bro, cause I'm not in the military.
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]You know when a company wants to use letters in their phone number to be catchy? But often times they use too many letters. 'Give us a call down here at 1-800-I-Really-Enjoy-Carpeting.' It's too many letters, man. 'Hello?' 'Hold on, I'm only on 'Enjoy'! How did you know I was calling? I can see why they hired you!'
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]I can't tell you what hotel I'm stayin' in, but there are two trees involved. They said, 'Let's call this hotel something Tree'. So they had a meeting; it was...it was quite short. 'How 'bout Tree?' 'No.' 'Double Tree?' 'Hell yeah! Meeting adjourned!' Well, I had my heart set on Quadruple Tree...and we were almost there!
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]If I worked at a store and a duck came in I would like just give him some bread-- 'sure man no problem-- tell your friends'--- but I would not give him Pepperidge Farm bread....You know that stuff right? you open it and it still ain't open. That is why I do not buy it. Cause I do not need another step, between ME and toast.'
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]I like the American-Canadian border, 'cause if you're walking on the border with a friend, and you push your friend into Canada, he can't push you back right away, 'cause first he has to go through customs. 'What brings you to Canada?':[Points to the side] 'That asshole.' 'When are you leaving?' 'As soon as I regain my equilibrium!'
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]Vending machines are a big part of my life. I like when you reach into the vending machine to grab your candy bar and that flap goes up to block you from reaching up. That's a good invention. Before then it was hard times for the vending machine owners, 'What candy bar are you getting?', 'That one... and every one on the bottom row!'
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]I've occasionally heard that I was kicked out of Harvard for being a Communist for dealing drugs for corrupting minors or for diverse other infractions of local decorum. Unfortunately none of these rumors are true. The one I've heard more often is that I am dead. That one I encouraged hoping it would cut down on the junk mail. It didn't.
Tom Lehrer
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[highlight-text]I ordered a chicken sandwich but I think the waitress misunderstood me because she said, 'How would you like your eggs?' So I tried to answer her anyhow. I said 'Incubated, and then raised, and then beheaded, and then plucked and then cut up then put onto a grill then put onto a bun. Shit, it's gonna take awhile. I don't have time, scrambled!'
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]I was at the airport a while back and some guy said, 'Hey man, I saw you on TV last night.' But he did not say whether or not he thought I was good, he was just confirming that he saw me on television. So I turned my head away for about a minute, and looked back at him and said, 'Dude! I saw you at the airport...about a minute ago... and you were good.'
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text]I was walking by a dry cleaner at 3 a.m., and it said 'Sorry, we're closed.' You don't have to be sorry. It's 3 a.m., and you're a dry cleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. I'm not gonna walk by at ten a.m. and say, 'Hey, I walked by at three, you guys were closed. Someone owes me an apology. This jacket would be halfway done!'
Mitch Hedberg
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[highlight-text](Talking about his drink) Look at all the limes in this goddamn thing! This Sorryin' thing is tropical! Look at the limes, how they float. That's good news. Next time I'm on a boat and it capsizes, I will reach for a lime. Like I'll be water-skiing without a life preserver, people will say 'What the Sorry?' and I will pull out a lime. I'm saved by the buoyancy of citrus.
Mitch Hedberg