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Clever Jabs QuotesFamous Clever Jabs quotes by popular authors such as Winston Churchill, Groucho Marx, Mark Twain, Oscar Wilde, Fred Allen and others.
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[highlight-text]I dote on his very absence.
William Shakespeare
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[highlight-text]Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.
Mark Twain
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[highlight-text]Deep versed in books and shallow in himself.
John Milton
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[highlight-text]I've had a wonderful time but this wasn't it.
Groucho Marx
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[highlight-text]Never interrupt me when I'm trying to interrupt you.
Winston Churchill
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[highlight-text]If Al Gore invented the Internet I invented spell check.
Dan Quayle
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[highlight-text]You may have genius. The contrary is of course probable.
Oliver Wendell Holmes
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[highlight-text]Corrupt politicians make the other ten percent look bad.
Henry Kissinger
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[highlight-text]I've seen George Foreman shadow boxing and the shadow won.
Muhammad Ali
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[highlight-text]My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
Jack Nicholson
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[highlight-text]He is a very modest man with a great deal to be modest about.
Winston Churchill
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[highlight-text]Cocaine is God's way of telling someone that they're too rich.
Robin Williams
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[highlight-text]Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.
Oscar Wilde
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[highlight-text]A bore is a fellow who opens his mouth and puts his feats in it.
Henry Ford
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[highlight-text]He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
Winston Churchill
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[highlight-text]He was like a cock who thought the sun had risen to hear him crow.
George Eliot
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[highlight-text]She was what we used to call a suicide blond - dyed by her own hand.
Saul Bellow
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[highlight-text]A pessimist is a man who looks both ways when he crosses the street.
Laurence J. Peter
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[highlight-text]I would not join any club that would have someone like me for a member.
Groucho Marx
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[highlight-text]There are two kinds of egotists: Those who admit it and the rest of us.
Laurence J. Peter
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[highlight-text]I like long walks especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
Fred Allen
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[highlight-text]He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.
Abraham Lincoln
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[highlight-text]I never forget a face but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
Groucho Marx
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[highlight-text]Jim Bakker spells his name with two k's because three would be too obvious.
Bill Maher
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[highlight-text]This report by its very length defends itself against the risk of being read.
Winston Churchill
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[highlight-text]I didn't attend the funeral but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
Mark Twain
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[highlight-text]That woman speaks eighteen languages and she can't say 'no' in any one of them.
Dorothy Parker
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[highlight-text]I would like to take you seriously but to do so would affront your intelligence.
William F. Buckley
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[highlight-text]Like many intellectuals he was incapable of saying a simple thing in a simple way.
Marcel Proust
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[highlight-text]I may be drunk Miss but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.
Winston Churchill
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[highlight-text]Some folks look at me and see a certain swagger which in Texas is called 'walking.'
George W. Bush
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[highlight-text]The difference between Los Angeles and yogurt is that yogurt comes with less fruit.
Rush Limbaugh
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[highlight-text]I love Thanksgiving. It's the only time in Los Angeles that you see natural breasts.
Arnold Schwarzenegger
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[highlight-text]An editor is someone who separates the wheat from the chaff and then prints the chaff.
Adlai E. Stevenson
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[highlight-text]Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.
Oscar Wilde
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[highlight-text]Nothing is wrong with Southern California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.
Kenneth Millar
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[highlight-text]An intellectual is a man who takes more words than necessary to tell more than he knows.
Dwight D. Eisenhower
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[highlight-text]I once said cynically of a politician 'He'll doublecross that bridge when he comes to it.'
Oscar Levant
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[highlight-text]Washington is a Hollywood for ugly people. Hollywood is a Washington for the simpleminded.
John McCain
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[highlight-text]If my critics saw me walking over the Thames they would say it was because I couldn't swim.
Margaret Thatcher
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[highlight-text]All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are in fact barely presentable.
Fran Lebowitz
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[highlight-text]Suppose you were an idiot... and suppose you were a member of Congress... but I repeat myself.
Mark Twain
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[highlight-text]If all the girls who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end I wouldn't be a bit surprised.
Dorothy Parker
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[highlight-text]I have just returned from Boston; it is the only sane thing to do if you find yourself up there.
Fred Allen
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[highlight-text]If you are resolutely determined to make a lawyer of yourself the thing is more than half done already.
Abraham Lincoln
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[highlight-text]Which painting in the National Gallery would I save if there was a fire? The one nearest the door of course.
George Bernard Shaw
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[highlight-text]It's easy to identify people who can't count to ten. They're in front of you in the supermarket express lane.
M. Grundler
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[highlight-text]As a woman I find it very embarrassing to be in a meeting and realize I'm the only one in the room with balls.
Rita Mae Brown
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[highlight-text]The taxpayers are sending congressmen on expensive trips abroad. It might be worth it except they keep coming back.
Will Rogers
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[highlight-text]From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
Groucho Marx
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[highlight-text]Just the omission of Jane Austen's books alone would make a fairly good library out of a library that hadn't a book in it.
Mark Twain
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[highlight-text]I'm number 10 at the box office. Right under Barbra Streisand. Can you imagine being under Barbra Streisand? Get me a bag. I may throw up.
Walter Matthau
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[highlight-text]Imagination is a quality given a man to compensate him for what he is not and a sense of humor was provided to console him for what he is.
Oscar Wilde
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[highlight-text]I had a dream the other night. I dreamed that Jimmy Carter came to me and asked why I wanted his job. I told him I didn't want his job. I want to be President.
Ronald Reagan
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[highlight-text]The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side.
Hunter S. Thompson
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[highlight-text]The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
Jay Leno
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[highlight-text]The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay then it's you.
Rita Mae Brown