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Birthdays and Age QuotesFamous Birthdays and Age quotes by popular authors such as Robert Orben, Woody Allen, Elmer Pasta, Phyllis Diller, George Burns and others.
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[highlight-text]Pushing fifty is exercise enough.
Anonymous
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[highlight-text]Looking fifty is great - if you're sixty.
Joan Rivers
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[highlight-text]She's not pushing forty she's dragging it.
Anonymous
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[highlight-text]After thirty a body has a mind of its own.
Bette Midler
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[highlight-text]My health is good; it's my age that's bad.
Roy Acuff
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[highlight-text]The secret to longevity is to keep breathing.
Sophie Tucker
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[highlight-text]The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
Phyllis Diller
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[highlight-text]I never think of the future. It comes soon enough.
Albert Einstein
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[highlight-text]People who have the most birthdays live the longest.
Jean Bucher
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[highlight-text]I'm at an age where my back goes out more than I do.
Phyllis Diller
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[highlight-text]He's so old his social security number is two digits.
Brian Morgan
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[highlight-text]You're only young once but you can always be immature.
Dave Barry
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[highlight-text]Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.
Mark Twain
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[highlight-text]She's too young for Medicare and too old for me to care.
Anonymous
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[highlight-text]You know you are getting older when 'happy hour' is a nap.
Gray Kristofferson
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[highlight-text]There's one advantage to being 102. There's no peer pressure.
Dennis Wolfberg
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[highlight-text]Of all the things I miss the thing I miss the most is my mind.
Lotus Weinstock
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[highlight-text]Sometimes I feel that I'm not just aging . . . I'm decomposing.
Fletcher Anderson
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[highlight-text]She claims she just turned thirty but it must have been a U-turn!
Elmer Pasta
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[highlight-text]The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
E. Joseph Cossman
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[highlight-text]If you want to know how old a woman is . . . ask her sister-in-law.
Edgar Watson Howe
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[highlight-text]I don't generally feel anything until noon then it's time for my nap.
Bob Hope
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[highlight-text]The cost of living is going up and the chance of living is going down.
Flip Wilson
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[highlight-text]There are three ages of man: youth middle age and 'Gee you look good.'
Red Skelton
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[highlight-text]Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind it doesn't matter.
Mark Twain
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[highlight-text]I have everything I had twenty years ago only it's all a little bit lower.
Gypsy Rose Lee
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[highlight-text]Middle age is when your narrow waist and broad mind begin to change places.
Ben Klitzner
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[highlight-text]There are three signs of old age: loss of memory ... I forget the other two.
Red Skelton
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[highlight-text]At eighty-eight how do you feel when getting up in the morning? . . . Amazed!
Ludwig von Mises
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[highlight-text]Middle age is when anything new in the way you feel is most likely a symptom.
Laurence J. Peter
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[highlight-text]Once my wife gave me a wonderful birthday present. She let me win an argument.
Anonymous
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[highlight-text]It's a sobering thought: When Mozart was my age he had been dead for two years.
Tom Lehrer
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[highlight-text]I can't tell you his age but when he was born the wonder drug was Mercurochrome.
Milton Berle
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[highlight-text]I stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.
George Burns
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[highlight-text]When I think of my dad as a little boy I tend to think of him in black and white.
Anonymous
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[highlight-text]I was going to take you out to lunch for your birthday . . . but you already are.
Anonymous
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[highlight-text]The secret of staying young is to live honestly eat slowly and lie about your age.
Lucille Ball
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[highlight-text]Old age is like everything else. To make a success of it you've got to start young.
Theodore Roosevelt
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[highlight-text]I'm at the stage of life when if a girl says no to me I'm profoundly grateful to her.
Woody Allen
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[highlight-text]I'm sixty-five but if there were fifteen months in every year I'd only be forty-eight.
James Thurber
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[highlight-text]I refuse to admit I'm more than fifty-two even if that does make my sons illegitimate.
Nancy Astor
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[highlight-text]Actually I don't remember being born, it must have happened during one of my black outs.
Jim Morrison
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[highlight-text]When we're young we want to change the world. When we're old we want to change the young.
Anonymous
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[highlight-text]The age of a woman doesn't mean a thing. The best tunes are played on the oldest fiddles.
Sigmund Z. Engel
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[highlight-text]The really frightening thing about middle age is the knowledge that you'll grow out of it.
Doris Day
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[highlight-text]It's an awful thing to grow old by yourself. My wife hasn't had a birthday in seven years.
Robert Orben
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[highlight-text]When Julia Child was asked to what she credited her longevity she replied 'Red meat and gin.'
Anonymous
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[highlight-text]As one cat said to another: Birthdays are like fur balls - the more you have the more you gag.
Maria Morgan
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[highlight-text]When she told me her age I believed her - why not? she hasn't changed her story for five years.
Anonymous
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[highlight-text]Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard there is nothing you can do.
Golda Meir
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[highlight-text]Remember when we used to laugh at old people when we were young? Do you recall what was so funny?
Anonymous
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[highlight-text]Middle age is when your old classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald they don't recognize you.
Bennett Cerf
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[highlight-text]You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to a hundred.
Woody Allen
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[highlight-text]Middle age is having a choice between two temptations and choosing the one that'll get you home earlier.
Dan Bennett
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[highlight-text]My notion of a wife at forty is that a man should be able to change her like a banknote for two twenties.
Douglas Jerrold
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[highlight-text]You know you're getting older when you don't care where your wife goes just so you don't have to go along.
Jacob Braude
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[highlight-text]My wife never lies about her age. She just tells everyone she's as old as I am. Then she lies about my age.
Robert Orben
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[highlight-text]He is at an age that whenever a pretty girl smiles at him he immediately looks down to see what is unzipped.
Elmer Pasta
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[highlight-text]For weeks I've been telling him not to buy anything for my birthday and he still forgot to bring me something.
Tanya Noe
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[highlight-text]The age of some women is like the speedometer on a used car - you know it's set back but you don't know how far.
Anonymous
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[highlight-text]To what do you attribute your advanced age? Well I suppose I must attribute it to the fact that I have not died.
Sir Malcolm Sargent
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[highlight-text]Enjoy how sweet how thoughtful how kind I'm being on your birthday. Because tomorrow it's back to the same old crap.
Melvin Helitzer
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[highlight-text]You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
George Burns
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[highlight-text]I may be forty but every morning when I get up I feel like a twenty-year-old. Unfortunately there's never one around.
Robert Orben
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[highlight-text]What can you say when your husband says: 'You can't expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older.'
Toni Anderson
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[highlight-text]Middle age is when you have met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else and usually is.
Ogden Nash
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[highlight-text]I wouldn't say someone is old just because his social security is in Roman numerals or because Mozart played at his senior prom.
Anonymous
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[highlight-text]Life begins at fifty but so does bad eyesight arthritis and the habit of telling the same story three times to the same listeners.
Anonymous
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[highlight-text]We've reached an age that when construction workers stare at us it's because they figure we might be considering a remodeling job.
Susan McClellan
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[highlight-text]The years between fifty and seventy are the hardest. You are always asked to do things and you are not yet decrepit enough to turn them down.
T. S. Eliot
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[highlight-text]She was born in the year of our Lord only knows. The years that a woman subtracts from her age are not lost. They are added to other women's.
Diane de Poitiers
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[highlight-text]Actually being sixty-five isn't so bad. As a matter of fact I rather like being called a sexagenarian. At this time of life it sounds like flattery.
James Humes
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[highlight-text]Try to accept each other for what you are and don't point out the fact that the hair he's losing on his head is now growing out of his nose - and his ears.
Peg Bundy
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[highlight-text]Women don't get a tattoo. That butterfly looks great on your breast when you're twenty or thirty but when you get to be seventy it stretches into a condor.
Billy Elmer
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[highlight-text]If you think a lot of the comments made tonight are not funny but are immature and tasteless that's only because the sense of humor is the first thing to go.
Anonymous
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[highlight-text]Wisdom doesn't automatically come with old age. Nothing does - except wrinkles. It's true some wines improve with age. But only if the grapes were good in the first place.
Abigail Van Buren
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[highlight-text]I was just thinking when I was a young girl I never knew what every young girl was supposed to know. And now I am going to be an old lady I don't know what every old lady is supposed to know.
Edith Bunker