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Steven Wright Quotes(https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/6/68/Steven_Wright_1994.jpg/220px-Steven_Wright_1994.jpg)
An American comedian, actor and writer. Steven Alexander Wright (born December 6, 1955) is an American comedian, actor and writer. He is known for his distinctly lethargic voice and slow, deadpan delivery of ironic, philosophical and sometimes nonsensical jokes and one-liners with contrived situations.
Here are some famous quotes by Steven Wright.
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What's another word for thesaurus?
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I intend to live forever. So far so good.
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Black holes are where God divided by zero.
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I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
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I bought some batteries but they weren't included.
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Curiosity killed the cat but for a while I was a suspect.
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Curiousity killed the cat but for a while I was a suspect.
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
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Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
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Some people are afraid of heights. Not me I'm afraid of widths.
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I almost had a pyschic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
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A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me I'm afraid of widths.
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I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.
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I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
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I bought some batteries but they weren't included so I had to buy them again.
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I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't part anywhere near the place.
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I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
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Last night I was playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
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I installed a skylight in my apartment yesterday. The people who live above me are furious.
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I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
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I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
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If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide is that considered a hostage situation?
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I have a microwave fireplace. I can lay down in front of the fire for the evening in eight minutes.
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I hate it when my leg falls sleep in the middle of the day because that means it'll be up all night.
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When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me 'Did you sleep well?' I said 'No I made a few mistakes.'
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For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
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I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas people behind me stop and I'm gone.
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I cried because I had no shoes 'till I met a man who had no feet. So I said 'You got any shoes you're not using'?
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I went into a restaurant and the sign said 'Breakfast anytime so I ordered french toast during the Renaissance.'
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I broke a mirror the other day. I'm supposed to get seven years of bad luck but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
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I have a hobby...I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it...