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Mitch Hedberg Quotes(https://friendstamilchat.in/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fupload.wikimedia.org%2Fwikipedia%2Fen%2Fthumb%2F2%2F21%2FMitch_Hedberg.PNG%2F250px-Mitch_Hedberg.PNG&hash=89a7b4ea5e932d1fc903c6e8f667820efe0f560d)
An American stand-up comedian known for his surreal humor and unconventional comedic delivery. Mitchell Lee "Mitch" Hedberg (February 24, 1968 – March 30, 2005) was an American stand-up comedian known for his surreal humor and unconventional comedic delivery. His comedy typically featured short, sometimes one-line jokes, mixed with absurd elements and non sequiturs. Hedberg's comedy and on-stage persona gained him a cult following, with audience members sometimes shouting out the punchlines to his jokes before he could finish them.
Here are some famous quotes by Mitch Hedberg.
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I dressed up for the CD.
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My girl works at Hooters, in the kitchen.
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I play sports...no I don't, what the Sorry?
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A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef.
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I'm an ice sculptor - last night I made a cube.
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I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.
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If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be Sorryed up.
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I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
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I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
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This shirt is 'dry-clean only'...which means it's dirty.
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An escalator can never break - it can only become stairs.
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I had one anchovy, that's why I didn't have two anchovies.
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My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
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I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
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I have a vest. If I had my arms cut off, it would be a jacket.
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Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?
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I've always wanted a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist... allright.
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I like it when people laugh for no reason... like that lady over there.
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I like wearing necklaces, because it lets me know when I'm upside down.
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(From the enclosed booklet) Jamaican Air -- Every flight is the red-eye!
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Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
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I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, 'Dude, you have to wait.'
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I like rice. Rice is great when you're hungry and you want 2,000 of something.
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I wanted to buy a candle holder but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.
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I had a parrot. The parrot talked, but it did not say 'I'm hungry,' so it died.
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When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.
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I don't have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks shit.
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What am I drinking? NyQuil on the rocks, for when you're feeling sick but sociable.
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I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
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If you have dentures, don't use artificial sweetener, cause you'll get a fake cavity.
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If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I'd be making money in a very weird way.
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A fly was very close to being called a 'land,' cause that's what they do half the time.
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Remember that show 'My Three Sons'? It'd be funny if it was called 'My One Dad'... wait, what?
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I love my fed-ex guy cause he's a drug dealer and he doesn't even know it...and he's always on time.
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I got a wallet, it's a Trifold... that shit is stacked! It's orange color, in case I wanna buy a deer.
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I went to a record store, they said they specialized in hard-to-find records. NOTHING WAS ALPHABETIZED!
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People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. Unless, of course, they enjoy many broken windows.
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I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
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My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so ... yeah'.
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I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it.
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I'm sick of Soup of the Day, it's time we made a decision. I wanna know what the Sorry 'Soup From Now On' is.
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The number one cause of alcoholic relapse in winged insects is being trapped in a pint glass with an ashtray.
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Whenever I go to shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving, so I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
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If I was on death row and given one last meal I would ask for a fortune cookie. 'Come on 'long prosperous life!''
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You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later.
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I angered the clerk in a clothing shop today. She asked me what size I was and I said actual, because I am not to scale.
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If I bought a company that made hot dog buns, on Day 1 we would add 2 buns to every package... Day 2, work on deliciousness.
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Lull is one letter away from being four L's in a... aw Sorry. I thought I had a concept there, but then I realized, no, you do not.
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I had a piece of Carefree Sugarless gum and I was still worried. It never kicked in, I took it back to the store and said 'Bullshit!'
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If you find yourself lost in the woods, Sorry it, build a house. 'Well, I was lost but now I live here! I have severely improved my predicament!'
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(to audience) I like the way this is situated here. It seems like you guys were chasing me, closing in, and then said 'Sorry it...lets sit down'.
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I don't have any children but if I had a baby I would have to name it so I'd buy a 'baby naming book'. Or I would invite somebody over who had a cast on.
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Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would sorry, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.'
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By the way, you don't have to be sweaty and holding a basketball to enjoy a Gatorade. You could just be...a thirsty dude! Gatorade forgets about this demographic!
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My roommate said to me, 'I'm gonna go shave and use the shower; does anyone need to use the bathroom?' It's like some weird ass quiz where he reveals the answer first.
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Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier'n helpin' 'em move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.
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I find a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread. Ducks love bread, but they can't buy any. That's the biggest joke on the duck ever.
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I was walking down the street the other day when this guy asked if I wanted a frozen banana...I said 'no' but then thought I might want a regular banana later, so...yeah.
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I like vending machines 'cause snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at a store, oftentimes, I will drop it... so that it achieves its maximum flavor potential.
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When I was younger, my mother told me, 'Mitch, some day you're going to have to move out of the house and get a job.' Well, today is the day, that's why I'm here with you people.
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I wrote a script and gave it to a guy that reads scripts. And he read it and said he really likes it, but he thinks I need to rewrite it. I said, 'Sorry that, I'll just make a copy.'
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I walked into Target, but I missed. I think the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around. And, when I finally get in, the guy says, 'Can I help you?' 'Just practicing.'
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If you're watchin' a parade, make sure you stand in one spot, don't follow it, it never changes. And if the parade is boring, run in the opposite direction, you will fast-foward the parade.
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This is what my friend said to me; he said, 'Guess what I like? Mashed potatoes.' It's like,'Dude. you gotta give me time to guess. If you're gonna quiz me, you must insert a pause in there.'
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Tony the tiger thinks shit is great. Thats all I got. I ordered two little boxes of frosted flakes for room service, it cost $37.50! On the box Tony the tiger was going 'they're ffSorrying expensive!'
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The Kit-Kat candy bar has the name 'Kit-Kat' imprinted into the chocolate...that robs you of chocolate! That is a clever chocolate saving technique. I go down to the factory, 'You owe me some letters!'
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Steam rollers run shit over to make sure it's good. Like if they want to test a product, they'll run over it with a steam roller. How do you know the steam roller's good? Who ran over the steam roller?
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Sometimes in the middle of the night, I think of something that's funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen's too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny.
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You know that word 'lull'? That's four letters, three of them are L's, Sorry! That's too many L's in one word! The word lull is one letter away from... [gets handed a drink] oh shit. That'll Sorry up a joke!
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I was walking down the street with my friend and he said, 'I hear music', as if there is any other way you can take it in. You're not special, that's how I receive it too. I tried to taste it but it did not work.
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I want to hang a map of the world in my house, and then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.
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I have a new CD; it's in stores, and when you have a CD in stores, you have to do in-store appearances, and if nobody shows up, I just pretend like I'm shopping. That's how I shop; I sit behind a table with a pen.
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That'd be funny if you were a drummer, and you grabbed two magical wands instead of drumsticks. Be pounding out the beat '1-2-3-4 Oh shit, my bass player's now a can of soup... Sorry Rick, I mean Cream of Mushroom!'
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I think Pringles original intention was to make tennis balls... but on the day the rubber was supposed to show up a truckload of potatoes came. Pringles is a laid-back company, so they just said, 'Sorry it, cut em up!'
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See, this CD is in stores. The only way I could get my old CD into a store is if I were to take one in and leave it. Then the guys says, 'Sir, you forgot this!' 'No, I did not. That is for sale. Please alphabetize it.'
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If you drink O'Douls, you don't drink. But if you drink 20 O'Douls in a half hour, then you're a Sorrying non-alcoholic. Non-alcoholism is a problem too. And there are symptoms, like when you fall down, does it always hurt?
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I saw a commercial on late night TV, it said,'Forget everything you know about slipcovers.' So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, and I didn't know what the hell they were.
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I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. There's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run, he's fuzzy, get out of here.
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My friend said to me, 'I think the weather's trippy.' I said, 'No, man, it's not the weather that's trippy, perhaps it is the way that we perceive it that is indeed trippy.' Then I thought, 'Man, I should have just said, 'Yeah.''
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I saw this dude, he was wearing a leather jacket, and at the same time he was eating a hamburger and drinking a glass of milk. I said to him 'Dude, you're a cow. The metamorphosis is complete. Don't fall asleep or I'll tip you over.'
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If I was a locksmith I'd be Sorryin' pimpin' that shit out. 'Say, what's goin' on, man? Tell you what. I'll trade you a free key duplication(laughs).' That joke made me laugh before I could finish it. Which is good 'cause there's no ending.
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I can read minds but, it's pointless cause I'm illiterate. I'd know what you were thinking, if I could read. (laugh) I tried to add on to that joke. I got busted. Thought I could squeeze a couple more laughs out of it but, it was not to be.
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An escalator can never break--it can only become stairs. You would never see an 'Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order' sign, just 'Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience. We apologize for the fact that you can still get up there.'
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You know when it comes to racism, people say: 'I don't care if they're black, white, purple or green'... Ooh hold on now: Purple or Green? You gotta draw the line somewhere! To hell with purple people! - Unless they're suffocating - then help'em.
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They say Flintstone's vitamins are chewable. All vitamins are chewable, it's just that they taste shitty. I'm glad they made Flintstone's vitamins because I used to watch The Flintstones and go, 'Man I bet you if I ate that dude, I would be healthy.'
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I got a king sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable. 'Oh, you're a king, you say? Well you won't believe what I have in store for you! It's to your exact specifications! I believe I can set up your old lady, too!
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One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, he said,'Here's a picture of me when I was younger.' Every picture is of you when you were younger. 'Here's a picture of me when I'm older.' 'You son-of-a-bitch! How'd you pull that off? Lemme see that camera... what's it look like? '
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I went to a pizzeria, I ordered a slice of pizza, the Sorryer gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart for what people would do if they found a million dollars, the Sorryer gave me the 'donate it to charity' slice. I would like to exchange this for the 'keep it!'
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A guy told me he liked cherries...but... I waited to see if he was gonna say tomato...before I realized he likes cherries just...all right, that joke is ridiculous. That's like a carbon copy of the previous joke but with different ingredients. I don't know what I was trying to pull off there.
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My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. 'Come on four billion!... Sorry! Seven. Not even close. I need some more dice. Four billion divided by six... at least. Snake eyes!' I just said 'snake eyes.' That's a gambling term. Its also an animal term too.
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I never joined the army because 'at ease' never seemed that easy to me. It seemed rather uptight, still. I do not relax by putting my arms behind my back and parting my legs slightly, that does not equal ease to me. At ease is not being in the military. I'm eased bro, cause I'm not in the military.
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You know when a company wants to use letters in their phone number to be catchy? But often times they use too many letters. 'Give us a call down here at 1-800-I-Really-Enjoy-Carpeting.' It's too many letters, man. 'Hello?' 'Hold on, I'm only on 'Enjoy'! How did you know I was calling? I can see why they hired you!'
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Hey, this joke's on the first CD, but I added a new line so I can't Sorryin' rob you of this one: I got an ant farm; them fellas didn't grow shit. I said 'C'mon, what about some celery? You Sorryers don't farm. Plus, if I tore your legs off, you would look like snowmen.' That's...that's the part that's not on the old CD.
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I can't tell you what hotel I'm stayin' in, but there are two trees involved. They said, 'Let's call this hotel something Tree'. So they had a meeting; it was...it was quite short. 'How 'bout Tree?' 'No.' 'Double Tree?' 'Hell yeah! Meeting adjourned!' Well, I had my heart set on Quadruple Tree...and we were almost there!
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If I worked at a store and a duck came in I would like just give him some bread-- 'sure man no problem-- tell your friends'--- but I would not give him Pepperidge Farm bread....You know that stuff right? you open it and it still ain't open. That is why I do not buy it. Cause I do not need another step, between ME and toast.'
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I just bought a 2-bedroom house, but I think I get to decide how many bedrooms there are, don't you? 'Sorry you, real estate lady! This bedroom has an oven in it! This bedroom's got a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom's over in that guy's house! Sir, you have one of my bedrooms, are you aware? Don't decorate it!'
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I like the American-Canadian border, 'cause if you're walking on the border with a friend, and you push your friend into Canada, he can't push you back right away, 'cause first he has to go through customs. 'What brings you to Canada?':[Points to the side] 'That asshole.' 'When are you leaving?' 'As soon as I regain my equilibrium!'
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Vending machines are a big part of my life. I like when you reach into the vending machine to grab your candy bar and that flap goes up to block you from reaching up. That's a good invention. Before then it was hard times for the vending machine owners, 'What candy bar are you getting?', 'That one... and every one on the bottom row!'
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I ordered a chicken sandwich but I think the waitress misunderstood me because she said, 'How would you like your eggs?' So I tried to answer her anyhow. I said 'Incubated, and then raised, and then beheaded, and then plucked and then cut up then put onto a grill then put onto a bun. Shit, it's gonna take awhile. I don't have time, scrambled!'
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I was gonna get a candy bar; the button I was supposed to push was 'HH', so I went to the side, I found the 'H' button, I pushed it twice. Sorryin'...potato chips came out, man, because they had an 'HH' button for Christ's sake! You need to let me know. I'm not familiar with the concept of 'HH'. I did not learn my AA-BB-CC's. God god, dammit dammit.
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I was at the airport a while back and some guy said, 'Hey man, I saw you on TV last night.' But he did not say whether or not he thought I was good, he was just confirming that he saw me on television. So I turned my head away for about a minute, and looked back at him and said, 'Dude! I saw you at the airport...about a minute ago... and you were good.'
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I was walking by a dry cleaner at 3 a.m., and it said 'Sorry, we're closed.' You don't have to be sorry. It's 3 a.m., and you're a dry cleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. I'm not gonna walk by at ten a.m. and say, 'Hey, I walked by at three, you guys were closed. Someone owes me an apology. This jacket would be halfway done!'